It all tastes like malted battery acid, and no amount of hip adjectives will change that. 

Big soda has been on the decline, and that's awesome. US soda sales dropped for the 10th straight year in 2014, and since it's just liquid bubbly calories that have been proven to contribute to our massive obesity problem, we were psyched to hear it. But multi-billion-dollar companies don't just die, they evolve. 

Now, Pepsi and Coke are trying to market to the hipster population by exploiting an "artisanal" image.

In 2014, Pepsi launched Caleb’s Kola, which comes in a glass bottle with the words “Honor in craft” strewn on it. At a Beverage Digest conference, CEO Indra Nooyi said soda had lost some of its “cool factor” and that drinks like Caleb’s were helping bring it back.

And making something "cool" makes it expensive even though it's the same sugary crap. At a New York City grocery store, a 20-ounce bottle of Pepsi was selling for $1.49, compared with $1.99 for a 10-ounce bottle of Caleb’s.

Their next line of "craft" sodas will be called Stubborn, in flavors including black cherry with tarragon, orange hibiscus, pineapple cream, and agave vanilla cream — featuring a "ritualistic tap" for every beverage, and pairing the dispensers with "artisanal menus" and drink baristas. Jesus. 

They've also launched Mountain Dewshine, a clear, sugar-sweetened version of the creepy-green, corn syrup- and caffeine-laden beverage. Employing a "Deliverance"-style marketing scheme likening the soft drink to illicit moonshine, PepsiCo underlines the "craft" nature of Dewshine by making it available only in glass bottles.

And again, it's the exact same hot garbage in a new "craft" bottle. 

And Coke wants you to think that they're fit for hipsters as well, and in June of 2015, the company snapped up the Hansen's and Blue Sky "natural soda" brands, so those are now owned by heartless corporations as well. 

So the next time you want bubbly sugar water, just say "no" and watch this video instead: