A winter is coming for C.U. Boulder, as its big dog pot college ranking slides further and further down the Reefer Madness list …
There was a time, not so long ago; a golden era in which C.U. Boulder reigned supreme as the unrivaled stoniest college in all the land.
Princeton Review was the law, and C.U. Boulder was its favorite son. And together, we pounded our chests and roared "DAAAANNNNKKKK NUUUUGGGSSSS" as crowds numbering in the tens of thousands incinerated fields of weed and inhaled it into their waiting lungs. Sigh. Those were the halcyon days of C.U.'s marijuana dynasty.
But now, a winter is coming for C.U. Boulder as its big dog pot college ranking slides further and further down the Reefer Madness list into the murky depths of obsolescence. Last year, we were #4, and this year … we're a pathetic #7.
Seventh. That's the thanks we're owed for having the most raucous 4/20 celebrations a college has ever heard of. You might as well just stab us in our livers with your gold-hilted battle sword, because to us, seventh is as good as dead.
So who's winning this Ganja Game of Thrones while we whimper in a darkened corner? Bloody Ithaca College in New York, that's who. Those fuckers are flanked by #2 Skidmore College and #3 Eckerd College.
What's this? Outdone by three schools in states where weed isn't even legal? Disgraceful.
Colorado College in Colorado Springs came in at No. 9 on the list this year. At least we were able to beat them … a school we didn't even know existed until two seconds ago when we saw them hanging out all awkward-like on the Reefer Madness list. New kids. Ugh.
Worse yet, there was no sign of CU-Boulder at all on the Princeton Review’s party school list this year either. We're just a shadow of what we once were.
From the looks of things, C.U.'s efforts to dilute its party school image have really paid off, in part thanks to their discovery that blanketing the campus in rotting fish fertilizer effectively dissuades students from congregating there.
But you know what, college students of Colorado? C.U. Boulder can take our lives, but they can never take our freedom.
It's time we raise up and reclaim what's ours: the #1 ranking that we helped define. You know what this means:
That's right. Gas mask bong rips.
Bring on the fish fertilizer.