Look, we dropped out of College Algebra at CU after our Adderall prescription ran out, but we're pretty sure that more arrests than football wins = zero chill.
CU-Boulder is good at a lot of things: robbing you blind, fish fertilizing all your 420 plans, and most importantly, compiling sports teams with a propensity for gut-wrenching failure. Lately, at least.
But a recent report by journalist Mike Rosenberg on the Arrest:Win ratios of college football teams has given us another abysmal reason to hate/love our alma mater — the fact that the CU Buffs football team has almost as many arrests as it does wins over the last five years.
Those numbers are 13 and 15, respectively.
Look, we dropped out of College Algebra at CU after our Adderall prescription ran out, but we're pretty sure 15 wins in five years = zero chill.
It seems our boys in black and gold are much more adept at breaking the law than they are breaking pitiful losing streaks. Too bad they can't "steal" the game or "assault" the scoreboard. Ugh.
Thankfully though, CU is hardly the worst offender when it comes to crime-loving football player. According to Mike Rosenberg's report, it appears Washington State, FSU, Alabama and and Auburn all have more arrests than we do.
Well, that's nice but … they also have more wins.
In light of this fascinating data, we think it's about time to change the football team's name from Buffs to Puffs. Instead of fumbling passes and fucking up field goals, they can just smoke weed like all Colorado residents are meant to do. Because here in Colorado, we're not the best at football or even committing crimes, so why not be the best at not playing football and choosing to commit crimes that are no longer illegal? Now that's a game we can win.
We can thank CU for training us to think logically like that.
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