Imagine how much cooler you would have turned out if you parents had read you this instead.

Infamous author/ god among men Chuck Palahniuk recently teamed up with Mashable to release the heavily funny "Fight Club 4 Kids," also known as the bedtime story you wish you had. But no, your parents read you Berenstain Bears instead, and now look at you, you're a pussy.

Explaining his decision to do this, Chuck said: "Since my audience is growing older and having children and dying, I've decided to reintroduce the book to a whole new generation." Yaaas, Chuck, yaaas. Finally someone is doing something about this generation of food-allergy-infested softies that's comin' up in the world.

And that, zygote donors and parents-to-be (have you been taking your birth control?), is how you build character in your spawn.

Be our daddy, Chuck. Please.