Pack of neon green ultra-lubed Magnum condoms? $10. Hymen reattachment? $2,000. Convincing yourself that it’s your first time? Priceless.

Pack of neon green ultra-lubed Magnum condoms? $10. Hymen reattachment? $2,000. Convincing yourself that it’s your first time? Priceless.

Listen, punk-ass.  I’m all for re-virginization. I think it’s cool you want to reinvent your concept of sex, because who you are and the social constructs you apply to yourself are no one’s decision but yours. If you need to fabricate a fictional scenario to do it, so be it (In other news, I’m available for all your motivational poster posing and public-speaking needs!).

Anyway, here’s what I’d recommend doing: First, decide that you’re a virgin. Wipe your own slate clean. No need to necessarily pretend like the sex you’ve had didn’t happen, just know that you are a virgin to all the future sex you haven’t had yet.

Second, find a person you’d be happy to lose your precious innocence to.

Third, decide what kind of sexual encounter you want to have with them. I’m not sure how literally you want to take the virgin thing, but this might involve fumbling awkwardly with a condom (remember to pinch the tip), pretending like it hurts a little, or premature ejaculating like the zit-faced momma’s boy you were the first time. Who knows — maybe one if you is named “Chet” for the night, for authenticity’s sake. If you want to get really genuine, seal the deal in a car, a quincenera after-party or in your parent’s basement next to the elliptical machine from 1982.

Basically, at the core of what you’re doing is having fantasy sex, so make sure your partner knows what they’re in for and what they need to do to make the experience de-virginizing enough for your standards. To top it off, invite your Mom to walk in on you — I’m sure she’ll love it that you’re including her in at least some part of your life.