Our top clinicians and nutritionists, who are all very drunk right now, came together to create this thoroughly scientifically accurate ranking of drunk food for you, because the weekend is coming up and we love you.

Our top clinicians and nutritionists, who are all very drunk right now, came together to create this thoroughly scientifically accurate ranking of drunk food for you, because the weekend is coming up and we love you.

#10: Cereal

Cereal is a minimal effort, minimal reward undertaking. Sure, you have all the ingredients right there in front of you in your kitchen, and yes, all it takes is a splash of milk to make them into something edible, but it's cold, tasteless, and more unsatisfying than a blow job from Gary Busey. Meh. That's all we have to say.

#9: Snack food

Chips, pretzels, cookies, beef jerky, and other items that can be purchased at your friendly neighborhood 7-Eleven will do the job alright. And by 'alright', we mean they're the next best thing to starving when you're drunk and looking for something to gracelessly man-handle into your face. Some snacks like potato chips have the salt and grease you crave, but they're dry and make you more dehydrated then you already are. Their one redeeming quality is that they're readily available everywhere, so that's good news for you if you're wasted in the middle of the Eastern Colorado dairy farm at 4:30 in the morning. Hey, we know what you did last summer. 

#8: Jimmy John's Sandwiches

The beauty of Jimmy John's is their generous and speedy delivery program, which is a godsend in the wee hours of the morning when nothing else is open and the the combination of the frigid weather with your off-the-charts BAC has rendered you too drunk to move. A foot-long sub is just a phone call away, making it possible to continue your orgy or whatever you're doing while the food is brought to you. But, there's a dark side to Jimmy John's sandwiches … which is that they suck. A few thin slices of gelatinous deli meat and some wilted lettuce? Please. It's a poor excuse for a sandwich, but a beautiful excuse for drunk food.

#7:  Burrito from _________ (insert your burrito place here)

There's a very specific pleasurable sensation you get in your hands from holding a warm three-pound burrito that's way too big to fit inside of you, but is going in there regardless. Although we can't say good burritos are easy to find late at night, unless you happen to be anywhere near Illegal Pete's … in which case, Godspeed.

#6: Leftover hamburger from three days ago

You know what would be really great right now? The same thing that was really great like, three days ago when you ordered it at the Cheesecake Factory. The delight of finding a leftover burger or some other discarded food item in your fridge after stumbling home wasted can only be compared to finding a goldmine in your back yard, then winning the lottery, then being elected "President of Alcohol." You just feel like you've won.

#5: Food truck tacos

Is anything better that stumbling up to a Mexican food truck at 2 a.m. and ordering 12 tacos, which the food truck people have secretly spiked with habanero salsa, then biting into one of them, full of hope and optimism, until the hell fire of the habanero spice spreads across your palate like a burning inferno, causing you to abandon all tacos and remaining hope? Don't answer that.

#4: Grilled cheese

It's crunchy, it's gooey, it's cheap, it's easy, and you can make one without burning your house down if you know what you're doing. Although, the pound of cheese that goes into one doesn't usually agree with the pound of vodka that claimed your stomach as its 'hood, and you'll probably wake up regretting your decision to inhale a sandwich that is essentially just uses bread as an excuse to eat cheese. Just eat the cheese on its own, people. No shame.

#3: Pho or ramen

Let's add soupy fluid to the boozy fluid that's already in your stomach! Let's test the storage capacity of our innards! Let's be surprised when we exceed said capacity with shameful amounts of delicious noodle soup, and vomit uncontrollably until we've voided every molecule of alcohol from our guts! Then, let's realize we feel much better now, don't we? That's right, pho or ramen will go down as quickly as it comes up, and when it does, you shall be purged of the night's sins and your homeostasis shall be restored.

#2: Hot dogs

Thank god you're drunk right now, because if you were anything less than wasted, you'd taste every pig ass, cow eye, and gelatin blob in that meat tube they call "hot dog." But, since you're wasted, all that animal scrap mercifully comes together in perfect fatty synthesis, bringing out your inner carnivore and coating your churning stomach in a layer of soothing meat-oil.

#1: Pizza, obviously

Pizza is already the pinnacle of foods, but when you're drunk, pizza is the undisputed king of the universe. It's your lover, your father, your muse, your best friend, and the best parts of you, all conglomerated into one piping hot isosceles triangle of cheese and other shit. And it's totally customizable. It can be whatever you want it to be. You can express your true self with pizza, creating a unique edible ID-card whose toppings reflect your inner workings, hopes, and dreams. And moreover, pizza's gold-medal winning deliciousness founded in science; when you're drunk, your brain floods with chemicals that mimick a state of fasting or starvation, tricking your body into thinking it needs the fattiest, greasiest, most wonderful food possible in order to survive. Your body wants it. Your body needs it. Pizza.

Secreast out.