If there was such thing as competitive shit talking, politicians would be in first place. And, according to a report by the Wesleyan Media Project, which tracks political ad spending, Denver politicians would reign supreme as Shit Talkin' Kings. That's because, darling, we air more political attack ads than anywhere else in the nation. We are professional poo-poo-ers. And not by any small margin.

If there was such thing as competitive shit talking, politicians would be in first place. And, according to a report by the Wesleyan Media Project, which tracks political ad spending, Denver politicians would reign supreme as Shit Talkin' Kings. That's because, darling, we air more political attack ads than anywhere else in the nation. We are professional poo-poo-ers. And not by any small margin.

Denver played more than 78,000 political ads from January 2013 through last Thursday … which is 26,000 more than the nation's second bitchiest city, Little Rock, Arkansas, which ran about 52,000 in the same time period.

Damn, Denver! Why so serious?

Highly competitive races for Senate and gubernatorial races explain Denver's ad obsession partially. But, adding fuel to the fire are several hot topic, big money issues on the ballots this November, like women's issues, energy issues, Obamacare, and, to a lesser extent, the whole 420 weed party thing.

Actually, Colorado is the only state in which women's issues and energy issues are the two biggest issues on the ballot this year.

So, not surprisingly, there's some shit slinging going around in the form of negative attack ads. Which, by the way, have been running rampant during Broncos games. Have you seen them? If not, you may not have eyes.

A particularly nasty race is occurring during Colorado’s U.S. Senate race between Democratic Sen. Mark Udall and Republican Rep. Cory Gardner. The Wesleyan report found that in that race, nearly 60 percent of ads were negative, about 20 percent were positive and another 20 percent contrasted the two candidates.

What's the beef between them? Women's issues. Senator Udall has focused an inordinate amount of attention calling out Gardner's birth control beliefs,  pro-life and pro-personhood stance and his support for the controversial Amendment 67, which would make abortion illegal even in the case of rape or incest. If you want to know more about that, Huffington Post recently ran an article about it called "Hello America, It's Me, Colorado," in which the issue of personhood was discussed.

Gardner on the other hand, has been focusing on Udall's record of voting with Obama, who is wildly unpopular at the moment.

The gubernatioral race between Democratic Gov. John Hickenlooper and Republican challenger Bob Beauprez is a little less bitch fight-y, with nearly 59 percent of the ads being negative and 41 percent being positive. We wonder if any of those negative ads were based around who could do a better greeting on the train at D.I.A.

Maybe they could both read the script we wrote for it?

"Hello! This is Governor Blah Blah Blah and welcome to the troglodyte kingdom. All aboard please, you are delaying the departure of this train. Very good. Hold on please! Now departing for something like 27 miles of mysterious empty tunnels and sphincter-loosening apocalyptic art."

No? Okay, fine. Moving on.

Interestingly, although Denver made the most ads, they did so affordably like the frugal little penny savers they are. Daddy would be so proud.

Denver spent an estimated $77.6 million on political ads, which may seem like a lot, but actually seems responsible after seeing New York's numbers. Those guys spent $113.9 million, but only came in at #4 on the list of most ads aired. What are they doing over there, 3D IMAX ads or something?

Weirdly enough, Colorado Springs came in at #8 on the list of cattiest political scenes, which means that even though Colorado is hundreds of miles away from salt water, we are somehow the saltiest state in the nation.

Here's a little taste of that salt.

Aw, Christ, you guys. Can't we all just get a bong?