Teams in the NFL are worth HOW MUCH!?

If the new list from Forbes, which ranks the teams by value in the NFL, teaches us anything, it’s that the league is worth a biblical fuck-ton of money, and that you don’t necessarily have to be a “good” team to be “expensive.”

Topping the list is those Dallas guys, worth an astounding $4.0 billion dollars — with a god damned “b.” That’s an insane amount of money for an organization to be worth that hasn’t had a good run at a ring since the mid-'90s. And they haven’t even had a decent (aside from last year’s 12-4 record) run in just as long. That and it’s a literally true* and honest fact that everyone in the nation hates them aside from people living in Texas — so to be worth so much is mind-bottling, if not just absolute absurdity.

Then there are the New England cheaters at a $3.2 billion valuation — likely the result of some deflating business practices or spying on bankers. And then on down the line with the Washington racists, the New York Eli’s and etc. etc. etc. Read on below, but the list doesn’t get good until there’s a team we actually care about featured, and there we are, in a lonely 11th place worth a paltry $1.94 billion.

No, not paltry, it’s actually staggering what every NFL team is worth. Even the lowly Raiders and last place Bills are worth more than a billion dollars. The numbers, according to Forbes, calculates all ticket sales, merchandising, concessions, ad slots … bobble-heads — every-bloody-thing that pertains to the team is taken in to account to come up with said numbers. The NFL is a massive money-burning steam-engine on a respectable run for world supremacy. 

The numbers,  they’re huge:

1. Dallas Cowboys – $4.0 Billion
2. New England Patriots – $3.2 Billion
3. Washington Redskins – $2.85 Billion
4. New York Giants – $2.8 Billion
5. San Francisco 49ers – $2.7 Billion
6. New York Jets – $2.6 Billion
7. Houston Texans – $2.5 Billion
8. Chicago Bears – $2.45 Billion
9. Philadelphia Eagles – $2.4 Billion
10. Green Bay Packers – $1.95 Billion
11. Denver Broncos – $1.94 Billion
…
30. Detroit Lions – $1.44 Billion
31.Oakland Raiders – $1.43 Billion
32. Buffalo Bills – $1.4 Billion

*It's not literally true everyone hates them. Just most people. Carry on.