Yeah, we don't speak Starbucks and we love pre-owned Dinosaur Jr. t-shirts. We get it.
Do the words micro-brewery, pour-over or vintage one-speed bicycle shop mean anything to you?
They do to Denverites, who, according to a recent survey, make up the nation's third-largest "hipster" population.
… Hipster, of course, being defined as someone who can't fit into a category because categories are too mainstream but also loves PBR.
Only Seattle and Portland have more bearded professional baristas who woodwork and Instagram Thai food than we do. After Denver, the study ranked Sacramento and Grand Rapids as the fourth and fifth most hipster-phillic havens.
Uh, we don't know if it's a good thing that we out beat Brooklyn or L.A. for this unasked-for honor, but … thanks for the third place prize? We'll put it right over in this dusty, forgotten corner where we keep Denver's other moderately embarrassing trophies.
"Eighth Most Perfect City for Millennials" award, we're looking at you.
And how were these "hipster" rankings determined? Marketing provider Infogroup identified which large U.S. cities with an area population of 1 million or greater "are home to businesses and services appealing to the cool and connected: micro-breweries, record stores, music dealers, thrift shops, tattoo parlors, music and live entertainment, bicycle dealers and non-chain coffee shops."
"Ranking third on the list, Denver is also home to a large number of single-location coffee shops and microbreweries, along with tattoo parlors and thrift stores," the company said in a statement. HOW NICE.
Last week, the New York Times also wrote a story on why Denver is a pulsating nest of rapidly reproducing millennials, too.
Look; we have nothing against hipsters. In fact, many of us bear that label ourselves. But what's really awkward is a nebulous, third-party marketing company like Infogroup conducting research on our species to try to ascertain broad, sweeping trends about a population they're so far removed from that they know nothing about. It feels a little weird to be constantly mined for data just so corporations can use what they find to market their products more towards our population; kind of goes against everything we stand for. We're being treated like a fascinating tribe of organisms in a test tube, not as individuals with unique voices and interests, and while it's not necessarily unjust or completely unwarranted, it's just kind of … ick.
So, like we said; we'll take our bronze medal of hipster-dom and use it as paperweight or a trash ornament or something. Maybe we'll use it to barter our tattoo girl for a tat of a bike drinking coffee at a thrift store.