When choosing the car for yourself, it's best to abide by the following principle: if they can tip it, they will.
In one of the safest cities in the US, someone has to keep all of those fiscally comfortable white people on their toes with a little criminal shakeup every now and then. What better way to do that than to attack their dearest and most pretentious possession, Smart Cars?
A moderately concerned neighbor, Matt Alcorn, called police when he noticed the tippage, but not before self-admittedly snapping a few InstaGold pics.
“It's kind of like cow-tipping back in the day, but a lot more destructive,” Alcorn told Denver CBS.
Yes, because whereas the negative aspects of cow-tipping is the animal fracturing its pelvis and being subsequently euthanized, Smart Car tipping in the South Broadway neighborhood simply means some turd has to Uber to the park to go paddle-boating and feed the ducks leftover baguette. Dead cows just mean more beef, but spatially maligned Smart Cars mean more ride-sharing. Sounds like it really is destructive.
But you know what? We say good. Smart Cars are fucking dumb anyway. Nobody gloats harder than a Smart Car owner who slid into a miniscule parking spot on his way to pick up a nice, dry Prosseco for the Healthy Lives 2020 mixer. Those things look like a $14,000 version of the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe, and they’re not even that eco-friendly. We get it, Smart Car drivers: you know code or you work for Oracle or something.
Presently the degree of damage to each car is unknown. Car2go righted the little buggers Sunday morning and hauled them away for repairs, but we wouldn’t be surprised if a few of the things were incapacitated by the damage.
There were still several upright Car2go cars in the area on Sunday … these are likely survivors that the tippers spared so they could tell their story.
Meanwhile, Denver’s finest gumshoes are on the lookout for four men who were seen fleeing the scene via an alley adjacent to one of the ‘tippings.’ Without any descriptions whatsoever it looks like these Smart Cons might just get away with the most lackluster crime of the century.
Here are some of the tipped car locations in case you want to rubberneck:
- East Ellsworth Avenue and Pennsylvania Street
- East Ellsworth Avenue and Pearl Street
- South Downing Street and East Alameda Avenue
- South Franklin Street and East Alameda Avenue
- South Clarkson Street and East Bayaud Avenue