Our advice is bound to get you out of whatever doghouse you plan on getting yourself into …

The dreaded Valentine’s Day is upon us, and we understand you’re on your way to fuck this entire thing up anyways, so in the spirit of love and Hallmark, we want to help.

So we’ve designed a foolproof list of not-to-do gifts. In addition, we’ve supplied creative alternatives that will ensure your night will be filled with candy hearts and plenty of oral sex.

Sex Toys:

We all love sex and we’ve all given our partners a little something special to spice things up on Valentine’s Day night, but let’s be real … there’s way too much pressure to bang on this one damn day. Buy and give sex toys on a random Tuesday to ensure you're giving sex the respect it deserves. Don’t cheapen the beauty of “sex assistants” with stupid, predictable romance. This ridiculous holiday is supposed to inspire all of us to express our true sexual desires, but let’s be real, shall we? Most of the time we just want to drink Bourbon, laugh and make-out. Bring back making out, people. Please.   

Alternative: Pot infused lube. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Delivered Flowers:

Everyone knows that flower companies make bank on this over-pinked holiday, so why support the man? Allow us to school you on a couple of things:
1. The pictures of flowers on the website are not what your partner will receive. The shit-tastic bouquet that he/she will receive will be small and dead.
2. Most of those reasonably priced bouquets don’t even come in the damn vase or don’t even come with one without spending extra. “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby! Put your dead flowers in your own damn vase. I don’t have time for that shit!”
3. On average flower companies raise their rates around 20-25 percent.

Alternative: If you insist on flowers, go buy some daisies or tulips and hand deliver that shit.


We’re not certain where the idea that everyone loves candy came from, but we’re here to disabuse you of this notion. Most people have zero interest in slamming 400lbs of chocolate just because cupid tells us to. Chocolate doesn’t make anyone feel sexy, it makes us feel fat.

Alternative: Booze. Any favorite will do.

Practical Shit:

This seems pretty self explanatory, but folks seem to still get confused when their significant other gets pissed because you built them a damn shelf for Valentine’s Day. People who choose to participate in heart day want something other than your labor or a shiny new fry pan because your soulmate “loves to cook.” If you find yourself wondering if those wine glasses are really a good gift? Let us assure you, they suck. If it’s useful in any way, we don’t want it.

Alternative: A hotel room. We don’t know one damn person that doesn’t like to have sex in a strange bed. Protip: Book it for after Valentine’s Day to save cash.

Group Sex:

Most people who do it enjoy group sex, and for those of you looking to mix it up, we fully support you, but Valentine’s Day is not the day. Mostly because the idiots that are taking part in V-Day group sex are newbies. And there’s nothing worse than having a jealous rage group sex party. In our experience, holiday group sex always ends in tears, screaming and awkward goodbyes.

Alternative: Porn. Watch lots and lots of porn.


The lingerie you buy us never fucking fits, fellas. Plus you guys always get us weird shit that doesn’t look good. It’s always uncomfortable and disappointing. Before making this ridiculous mistake, remember that only we know our bodies and how shit fits. You digging through our panty drawers to find our size is sweet, but there’s more to lingerie than panty size. Plus we know that lingerie isn’t a damn gift for us, you selfish ass. 

Alternative: Tell her you want her wearing lingerie. Easy.


Ladies, now is not the time to let the fellas know you’re knocked up. It probably won’t be good or exciting news, so announcing it not only strips people the possibility of getting laid, but now this already stressful holiday will be forever soiled with your burdening news. Sure some people want to have babies, but why not create your own day of mourning instead of stealing this holiday’s thunder?

Alternative: Use birth control.

Gifts From Kids:

We’re all over having to feign excitement over shitty presents from kids. As a parent, can you pull off your sweatpants get to the damn store and buy your own gift for your significant other. Most parents only wish is to get the hell away from their children so why keep the lie going by including children in a “holiday” that has zero to do with them? Also, is it just us or is getting gifts from kids pretty creepy on the holiday solely meant for sexy time?

Alternative: A babysitter and some fucking creativity.

Love Coupons:

People seem to still be under the assumption that love coupons are cheeky or in some way endearing. They aren’t. Coupons are just empty promises meant to taunt and remind us of all the crazy sex we want to have, but are just to damn tired to actually have. And coupons are the lazy person’s way of letting their partner know that you’re into all this dirty stuff, but you just aren’t creative enough to actually think of it. And let’s not forget the awkwardness of redemption after the holiday: “Hey, sweetie…ummmm…how do you feel about covering my body in whipped cream and licking my ass because of this coupon?”

Alternative: Have dirty sex. Without the damn coupon.