Hark, fellow stoners, listen up and listen well: Colorado police are undergoing rigorous drug recognition programs, training their best minions to recognize the signs of driving under the influence of the devil's grass, w-e-e-d. So, because we'd rather see you locking lips with a dragon bong than your prison cell mate, here are a few ways you can fly high under the radar.
Hark, fellow stoners, listen up and listen well: Colorado police are undergoing rigorous drug recognition programs, training their best minions to recognize the signs of driving under the influence of the devil's grass, aka w-e-e-d.
Last month, stoned driving citations made up 15% of all the DUIs handed out by Colorado police, and that number is expected to rise as more sophisticated tools are developed to both diagnose stoner inebriation levels and differentiate them from those of alcohol. Currently, there's no roadside sobriety test that measures THC levels in your blood, so police are relying on the good old walk and turn, one-leg stand, and finger-to-nose and eye examinations. They also use the Romberg test (maintaining balance with eyes closed) and the one where they have you estimate 30 seconds in your head to gauge your internal clock. Police are also trained to notice if you have red eyes, dilated pupils, and fail to track a moving object evenly with both eyes.
Also, just so you know: under Colorado's newest DUI laws, drivers are presumed to be under the influence of weed if their blood contains 5 nanograms or more of active THC per milliliter of blood at the time of driving. A nanogram is one-billionth of a gram, so it hardly takes anything for it to be considered a DUI.
So, because we'd rather see you locking lips with a dragon bong than your prison cell mate, here are a few ways you can drive high undetected, or pass the roadside sobriety tests if you are.
*While we don't condone driving while impaired at all, and will never talk to you again if you do, we understand that you might be eligible for a shiny new DUI even if you're not high when you're pulled over. So, you can stop freaking out; this article is more of a cautionary deal than something we're telling you to do.
Don’t wait for the light to change at stop signs … because stop signs aren't traffic lights! You're so high!
Look both ways before turning, because traffic, being the mysterious deity it is, tends to move in both directions. Both directions, people.
When you're changing lanes, make sure to put the blinker on on the same side as the lane you're moving into. Contrary to what that leprechaun the pot is making you see is telling you, blinking in general doesn't make changing lanes okay. It has to be the right blinking.
Follow the speed limit like it was your only way into heaven. If you want to be really pro, go 3-4 mph over the limit. If a cop notices you neurotically keeping the same speed, they might think you're being over-cautious because your vascular system is pumped to the max with THC. They can't pull you over for speeding if you're only going 5 mph over the limit. Six over though, and you're gonna need to decided which prison gang to join.
Use GPS and pay attention to road signs. Just like the internet, signs tell you things you need to know. Signs are smarter than you, even if you did figure out how to roll that cross-joint earlier.
Come to a complete stop at stop signs. That's why they say 'stop,' not roll through at 2 mph while you reach under your seat for a lighter.'
Are your headlights on? Make sure they're on.
Take the back roads. You're less likely to fuck yourself or others up if you're going slower, so stay off the highways if you can help it.
If you see a cop pulling someone else over in the shoulder, make sure you change lanes so you give them some space; it'll make you look considerate and alert. Don't whiz past them in the lane right by where they're standing, or your ass is grass.
If you must road-bowl, have a passenger roll a joint, and be careful not to drop it in your crotch. Keep the windows rolled down.
Invest in car scents that aren’t patchouli, it’s a dead giveaway.
Lubricate your eyes before turning the key with eye drops that reduce redness and increase moisture. But if you have heavy, droopy eyelids, rub your eyes fast and relatively hard before the cop walks up to make it look like they're swollen and red because of allergies.
Choose your tunes before you hit the road so you don’t have to fuck around with the radio or iPod. Bring on the Bob Marley dub-step rap remix!
The yellow lines go on the left side of your car and the white lines go on the right side. Here's a pneumonic: You Love Weed, Right? Get it? "Yellow Left, White Right?" Cool.
Set a timer on your phone to 0:30 and practice counting along with the seconds so you can get a really good idea of how long 30 seconds is. That way, if a cop asks you to perform that roadside test, you'll be prepared.
Pretend you're a gymnast and do the walk-and-turn on a line you make with tape on the floor. Walk up and down the line, trying to balance right on it and not fall off. Practice makes perfect…and you get to wear a leotard.
When you're watching TV, hanging out with friends, or even masturbating (we don't judge), stand on one leg for as long as you can. Again, practice makes perfect.
Practice bringing your finger to your nose. Memorize where the very tip of your nose is and what it feels like when your finger's on it. Repeat after us. "This is my nose. This is my nose. This is my nose." Wonderful.
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