Last weekend, while you were sitting at your computer Googling "young Hansen boys," CSU Student Stefan Sortland was out on the town, having a night that's shaping up to be one of those stories no one will believe when he tells it at his office Christmas party in 2025. We mean, who really could believe that he stole an ambulance, attacked Larimer County police officers, took molly and cocaine, and masturbated in front of police all in one night?

Last weekend, while you were sitting at your computer Googling "young Hansen boys," CSU Student Stefan Sortland was out on the town, having a night that's shaping up to be one of those stories no one will believe when he tells it at his office Christmas party in 2025. We mean, who really could believe that he stole an ambulance, attacked Larimer County police officers, took molly and cocaine, and masturbated in front of police all in one night?

Here's what happened:

An emergency crew from Poudre Valley Hospital was treating an intoxicated someone who was having seizures on the CSU campus early Sunday morning. When they came outside to transport that someone to an emergency room, they found that their ambulance was M.I.A. See, this is why Uber should have an ambulence option.

The ambulance, like most of its kind, had a GPS system on board which allowed local police to track it to Loveland where it was found in shambles in the middle of Highway 34.  Several of its doors were open, it had heavy front-end damage and leaking fluids and the driver was mysteriously missing from the scene.

One officer said it "appeared the driver of the ambulance had hit the raised median, jumped the curb, hit a sign, went the wrong way and crossed back over the median before stopping." Oh man, that's not how you do a U-Turn …

But, like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, nor does the coked-up freshman fall far from the stolen ambulance. Police soon found Stefan standing about 30 yards from the wrecked ambulance fashionably sporting an EMT vest, preciously clutching a box of Wheat Thins.

Either this is the most badass advertising stunt for Wheat Thins in the history of Wheat Thins, or Stefan is just really passionate about his daily fiber intake.

But despite the fact that his only weapon was a healthy colon courtesy of Wheat Thins, officers shot him with a stun gun when he refused their commands. When Stefan and his colon recovered, he told police he took the ambulance from CSU … then trailed off as he stared into space.

"Why are the lights flashing on the cars?" he said.

Later on in the evening, as the police report describes, he waited to be processed at the Loveland police station, he "stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated." Because there's nothing more arousing than the thrill of medical vehicle theft or the fact that Wheat Thins now come in two fun new flavors, Zesty Salsa and Spicy Buffalo.

Police said during his interview with officers, Stefan also casually dropped that his "friends and roommates were dead, in heaven, and had committed suicide."

Officers checked with the two people he was talking about and found they were neither dead nor in heaven, and were instead living, breathing human beings just, you know, hanging out. It's possible that the protein-filled crunch of his earlier crackers was so powerful that it distorted his sense of life here on Earth.

Really, does that not sound like the best day?

Wow, now that we've heard that story, maybe CSU does deserve to be on Playboy's Top 10 Party Schools list after all …