MAN BUYS ALL THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, PROMPTLY ARRESTED FOR FEDERAL DRUG CRIMES
In late February a South Carolina mother posted on Facebook that a man had bought 120 boxes of cookies to get her Scouts out of the cold. A week later, Detric Lee McGowan was arrested for his part in a 22-count federal indictment including conspiracy to distribute cocaine, heroin and fentanyl. You know what they say, one hit and you’ll want Samoas. 

FATHER OFFERING MILLIONS FOR SOMEONE TO TAKE HIS DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY
“Hard working men” are being offered the job of a lifetime by a Thai fruit farmer who recently claimed that his entire estate is up for grabs for the person who will marry his virgin daughter. When asked about the arrangement the man’s daughter replied, “Virgin!?”

VEGAN PROTESTERS ACCIDENTALLY KILL BABY PIGS DURING SIT-IN
Last month, factory workers say around 200 vegans protesting the treatment of pigs in Lincolnshire, England, spooked the animals so abruptly that some of the mothers trampled their babies. It’s almost like they don’t carrot all. 

SHOPLIFTING SUSPECT CHUGS ENTIRE 6-PACK IN TARGET DRESSING ROOM
Police in Lathrop, California, say Elysia Johnson, a suspect in their custody, is accused of drinking an entire 6-pack of Stella Artois inside a Target dressing room. Store employees say they became suspicious after hearing the sounds of solo beer pong and Johnson loudly repeating “you up?” to herself for over an hour.

FLORIDA MAN BREAKS INTO HOME SO HE CAN TAKE NAP ON THE COUCH
Craig McDonald, a 40-year-old Central Florida tweaker, was arrested after breaking into a woman’s home when he realized he was very sleepy due to his habitual use of methamphetamines. Alexa, what part of “very sleepy” do the cops not understand?