Come ‘No Shave November’ we won’t be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys…

Some guys can pull off a beard and others cannot. It’s sad, but true. However, scientists have now determined just what exactly it is these wooly, masked men are hiding from the rest of us: they're actually just much worse people than their baby-faced cohorts. According to a study by social video network Eva, men with facial hair are more likely to cheat, steal and fight than their clean-shaven counterparts.

Of the 2,000 males surveyed, 45 percent of guys with beards admitted to brawling and 47 percent said they had cheated on a partner. These figures are significantly higher than the average rate at which shaved men cheated (20 percent) and fought (29 percent).

Per the research, we should be most weary of guys with goatees (aka Satan and the N*Sync member no one remembers the name of). The study determined that 40 percent of men specifically with goatees admitted to stealing in the past, making them more than twice as likely, compared to a clean-shaven gent, to steal. The goatee can be said to be the ultimate male vanity project of thieves, which finally proves our theory that you can never trust a man whose facial hair requires the upkeep of a Pomeranian.

45% of guys with beards admit to brawling
29% of shaven guys admit to brawling
47% of guys with beards admit to cheating
20% of shaven guys admit to cheating

Even though ‘the beard era' has without a doubt become part of the modern male vogue, it appears as though the look has fallen out of favor with the ladies. Half of women surveyed claim they would never become romantically involved with a bearded fellow. Perhaps women have subconsciously been onto bearded types all along, intuitively privy to the brawling, deceitful, pilfering scofflaw beneath the fluff, or maybe they’re still not over the study that concluded many beards are about as clean as a standard American toilet seat …

Perhaps this will be a deterrent to the annual vicarious dick-measuring contest known as ‘No Shave November,’ and if it isn’t it should be. Those 26 translucent face pubes do not constitute ‘a beard’ no matter the month in question. Just stop. Please. Regardless, the numbers speak for themselves, the precisely hewn A La Souvarov look is out and beard-profiling is in. Let us rejoice.