Have you ever noticed that your sober self and drunk self are two entirely different people with opposite agendas? Though they often agree about things like "Pizza is yum" and "I have to pee," they pretty much disagree about everything else. So, since it's Friday and we have a feeling drunk you is about to make a flashy cameo tonight, we thought we'd present the world though the clear, alert eyes of sober you, and the bloodshot, booze soaked peepers of your drunk self.
Have you ever noticed that your sober self and drunk self are two entirely different people with opposite agendas? Though they often agree about things like "Pizza is yum" and "I have to pee," they pretty much disagree about everything else. So, since it's Friday and we have a feeling drunk you is about to make a flashy cameo tonight, we thought we'd present the world though the clear, alert eyes of sober you, and the bloodshot, booze soaked peepers of your drunk self.
1. Texting
Sober: Going about your day, taking care of business like a big adult.
Drunk: Inventing new languages and laughing so hard at yourself for doing it. You are the funniest person you know for sure ha ha!
2. Pizza
Sober: "Sure, I could go for some pizza."
Drunk: Pizza is your master. It is everything. Nothing else in this cold, cold world matters other than hot cheese on triangle bread going into your mouth.
3. Dancing
Sober: You make coordination your bitch. You strut your stuff across the dance floor, shaking your stuff like some sort of Riverdance – Beyonce lovechild. The world is your oyster.
Drunk: Your limbs are weak and made of spaghetti. People keep asking you if you're okay. Are you having a seizure?
4. Mandy from the bar. Or is it Sandy? Randy? Oh, god …
Sober: Wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole. Or any sort of poles. No touching. None.
Drunk: "You are the most beautiful girl in the room," you say earnestly as you take off her bra in your bedroom.
5. Math
Sober: You totally remember everything you learned in sophomore algebra and use it every chance you get just to keep your mind sharp.
Drunk: "Math? No, my name's Matt. Math is for nerds," you insist as you tip the waitress $1,000.
6. Makeup
Sober: You're a goddamn artist, adding the perfect amount in the perfect shade to the right areas.
Drunk: Coloring "outside the lines" suddenly becomes your only option as you paint your face like a Walking Dead set extra. "I look hot," you say in the mirror, unaware that you've just beer goggled yourself.
7. Going to bed
Self explanatory …
7. Last call
Sober: "Alright guys, it was great to see you. Have a good night!" you say, happy that you got to socialize, but excited to go home and watch your cop shows.
Drunk: Literally the worst thing that's ever happened to you. The world is ending, and you will never, ever see these people again. The prospect of going home is only slightly better than going to prison.
8. Deep conversations
Sober: You're totally down to get deep, and love offering your opinions and philosophies in conversation.
Drunk: You've just been staring at a spot just past their head for the last 10 minutes, and when they ask you what you think, you respond by throwing up a little.
9. Your ex
Sober: You're either determined not to to talk to them at all, or, if you do, you keep your expectations in the realm of reality.
Drunk: Something comes over you and you realize that it doesn't matter that they cheated on you with your Dad; you want them back, and you want them bad.
10. Drugs
Sober: You like to party every once and a while, but not tonight; you've got to work in the morning.
Drunk: Your face becomes a giant receptacle for drugs …
… and before you know it, there's like three pounds of cocaine in your nose and you're standing on top of a roof, trying to signal Santa Claus or aliens, all because you had one beer too many like, five seconds ago.
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