Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg's new movie, "Daddy's Home," inspired us to make this quiz to see if your stepdad is a real creep.
We came across a predictable shit-show of a movie that’s coming out next week that kind of made us cringe. “Daddy’s Home,” featuring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, focuses on the strife between real dad and stepdad. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate the stepdads really stepping up after a the sperm donor has left the building. But what about those bio-daddy’s that are still in the picture, and have to deal with some doucherat new hubby who just won’t stop pretending he fathered the bios actual kids?
There’s a certain creep factor to some stepdads, so we thought we’d create a little test for those of you that think: “Hey, this stepdad is stepping over his boundaries. And now? Now shit is creepy.” You can tally the points at the end to determine if that creepy dude who married your mom is in fact the definition of a true, creepy stepdad.
Disclaimer: If you’re sensitive and a creepy stepdad you’re going to hate this test, so please … please continue.
1.) On Father’s Day, your stepfather:
a.) Happily helps you pick out a card for your real father, while telling you how lucky you are to have a great dad.
b.) Gets upset that you “have” to spend time with your real father, and pouts until you give him a “#1 Stepdad” t-shirt.
c.) Refuses to allow you to mention you have a real dad, makes you take him to breakfast, demands you present him with a homemade Father’s Day card and insists that you call him dad.
2.) When you bring your friends to your mom and stepdad’s house and they mention how cool your dad’s house is, your stepdad:
a.) Agrees! Your dad is rad and he’s lucky that he gets to play second fiddle to your pops!
b.) Sighs loudly, but continues baking his homemade crownies.
c.) Starts tearing up in front of your friends, snatches the crownies from your mouth and yells “STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM!!!”
3.) At public events, where both bio-parents are present, your stepfather:
a.) Keeps his distance to show respect for your father, but supports you in a respectful, quiet manner.
b.) Seems a little sad that you’re spending all your time chatting with your dad, but shakes his hand and tells him that he has a great kid.
c.) Shows up sporting a sweatshirt with your face on it, demands that you come hug him, and then tosses you up on his shoulders just to show everyone how proud he is of "his stepkid!"
4.) When you got married, or even talk about the possibly of getting hitched, your stepfather:
a.) Congratulates you and asks you for details about your wedding.
b.) Demands to be some part of the wedding, and claims he’s "always dreamed of this day."
c.) Starts to cry, demands he walks you down the aisle with your mother, and asks why your fiancé didn't ask him for your hand in marriage.
5.) When studying for a big exam or work assignment, your stepfather:
a.) Keeps his distance to give you room to work.
b.) Brings you your favorite food and gives you a little verbal encouragement, but overall leaves quickly as to not distract you.
c.) Starts talking about all the exams/jobs he’s "fucking aced," and how if you were his kid you’d be a genius just like him.
6.) When your stepdad overhears you talking to your friends about sex or your bodily changes, he:
a.) Quickly leaves the room, finds your mom and tells her about the convo.
b.) Gives you his personal dog-eared copy of "Our Body Ourselves," and then tells your mom that she needs to speak to you ASAP.
c.) Takes you shopping for embarrassing necessities and then over lunch tells you about his first time and what blowjobs are.
7.) At holiday parties, your stepdad:
a.) Mingles a bit with your friends and family, but mainly stays on the sidelines to respect your father.
b.) Brings his "signature" side dish, makes everyone taste it, and then regales your guests with stories of your childhood.
c.) Drinks all of your craft beer, gets completely shit-faced, starts a fight with your real dad and then yells about how nobody respects him in this house he doesn't pay rent in.
A’s are worth 0 points
B’s are worth 1 point
C’s are worth 1,000 points
If you chose mostly A’s: Your stepdad isn't a creeper. He respects your bio-dad, and allows your mom the room to parent without sticking his irrelevant nose into your family business. This is rare, so give him a high-five and compliment his dip the next time you see him.
If you chose mostly B’s: Your stepdad is a little bit creepy, but this is probably because he hates his biological kids, has no kids, doesn't have a job he cares about, or just married your mom for money. And hey, he doesn’t invade your life too much, but make sure you keep him at arm’s length and set some serious boundaries. Also give him back his copy of “Our Body Ourselves,” he’s probably not having sex with your mother anymore, so he needs the material.
If you chose mostly C’s: Call the police, get a restraining order and get your mom and yourself some intense family therapy. This guy is a fucking creep that needs some stern words and a chokehold by bio dad.