A new photo series by Rebeca Planteir has uncovered the real reason why European kids are normal looking while American children look like adorable marshmellow bubbles: it's what they're eating in school. And while French children are politely nibbling cuisine that would make Bobby Flay pop a food boner, American kids are eating what appears to be a sinister combination of airplane and prison food. Let's look at it!

A new photo series by Rebeca Planteir has uncovered the real reason why European kids are normal looking while American children look like adorable marshmellow bubbles: it's what they're eating in school. And while French children are politely nibbling cuisine that would make Bobby Flay pop a food boner, American kids are eating what appears to be a sinister combination of airplane and prison food. Let's look at it!

But first, know this: One in three American kids is overweight or obese, as compared with a laughable small quantity of French kids. Despite being the namesake for fattening foods like French fries, French onion soup, and the French dip, mini Frenchies have an obesity rate that's so small, it's not even worth mentioning here. 

So, what's going into their school lunches that keeps them trimmer than Gwenyth Paltrow at a divorce hearing? Well, two months before school starts, the cafeteria staff partners up with a certified dietican and gets to work planning a menu that is is low on sugar and has a balanced intake of protein, complex carbs, fruits and vegetables.

Then, once they've got their little menu developed, they prepare everything fresh in house. That means no pre-packaged macaroni, fruit or pizza. The kids there grow up without developing an intimate, symbiotic relationship with Tombstone Pizza, and instead learn that fruit is actually delicious when it's not being intimated by a Fruit Loop or a Starburst.  Stuff like mashed potatoes is actually mashed in house, and soup is made by hand, which allows chefs to control all the ingredients that go into those little fuckers.

Add to that the fact that everything on French kids' school lunch menu is locally sourced. Sometimes they have all-organic meals. The only drink they have at school is filtered tap water. And the portions are what Americans eat for a snack between the beginning and end of their dinners.

Meanwhile, in America, pizza is a vegetable. We love using processed and pre-packed foods in  our school lunches, even though they contain toxic preservatives or additives which contribute to childhood obesity and other health issues. Soda flows from the ethers like a saccharine lifeblood into the veins of America's pudgiest, and most Jabba the Hut children.

So, what exactly are these French spawn eating? Below are pictures of the weekly menu in a French school lunch program. There are only four lunches pictured because children do not attend school on Wednesdays in France.

First course: Cabbage and tomato salad that would cost $18 in the states

Main course: Lovingly roasted beef, potatoes, baked tomatoes with herbs, cheese, mouthwatering snoot

Dessert: Kiwi. That's it. A fucking kiwi. There's not even syrup on it.

First course: Tabouleh (made with bulgur), enough fiber to make children poop out the sheer idea of fat

Main course: Homemade pork sausages, zucchini, investment in children's futures

Dessert: Sinful ice cream, apple to erase the sin

First course: Potato and pickle salad that'll make your head fall off

Main course: Motherfuckin' breaded fish, cauliflower, cheese, sweet deliciousness

Dessert: A simple peach, because nature gives you all the sweetness you need

First course: Goddamn cucumber and tomato salad

Main course: Veal marinated with god-like mushrooms, broccoli, cheese from heaven

Dessert: Fucking apple tart that looks like it was crafted by a machine

Okay, now that we've seen the exquisite culinary masterpiece that is French school lunches, let's take a trip through American elementary school fare.

First course: Kraft Mac & Cheese, but sadder

Dessert: Something you'd get in a hospital when you break your back

Drink: Some fat to wash the fat down with

First course: Assorted vegetable horrors

Main course: Someone's best impression of a McDonald's breakfast sandwich

Beverage: … Pet? What?

First course: GMO canned corn, shame

Main course: A vision of a future filled with extra-large Hot-and-Readys from Little Caeser's

Beverage: Dehydration

 

First course: Your guess is as good as ours

Main course: Pink slime nuggets

Beverage: Is currently getting liposuction, is sorry it couldn't be there for the photo op

First course: French fried pertaters

Main course: Skip

Beverage: Milk, again

Dessert: An apple … wait, an apple?!

First course: No

Main course: No

Beverage: Chocolate milk water, the perfect pairing with nachos

Uh … well, it's safe to say we're never eating again. Until lunchtime. But seriously, that shit looks like it jumped off the Red Bull hot air balloon with Felix Baumgartener but didnt' have a parachute.

But, while American kids may be fat, there's no denying that French kids are snooty. It's only a matter of time before these kids graduate to middle school where they'll enjoy rare vintage Bordeauxs with their artisan bread and cheese plates. But while they're over there with their pinkies out, we'll be over here, getting fat and planning for sea level rise. You know fat floats right? That's right, Frenchies, you're gonna need us one day when global warming hits its peak; almost as much as we need chicken alfredo in a bread bowl and a Pepsi drip.