Good morning, you. Would you like some gratis sex with no emotional attachment? Us too. Looks like we've got ourselves a good old fashioned Friends With Benefits situation. That's why we put together this handy guide to having a Friend With Benefits (FWB), so you can bang without the bawling.
Good morning, you. Would you like some gratis sex with no emotional attachment? Us too. Looks like we've got ourselves a good old fashioned Friends With Benefits situation. That's why we put together this handy guide to having a Friend With Benefits (FWB), so you can bang without the bawling.
And ss with any good FWB relationship, not getting attached is the name of the game. That being said, here are 7 ways to fuck like the emotionally barren sociopath you are.
1. Find someone out of your league. And by out, we mean below.
See that sexy Quasimodo over there? Yeah, that one. He's going to be your new FWB. But, before you start self-sterilizing at the sight of him, hear us out: being friends with benefits is all about keeping your feelings platonic. If your FWB looks like the holy love-child of Brad Pitt and Mila Kunis, it's going to be harder to keep your feelings in their metaphorical feeling-pants. Having a FWB who is a little average-looking, or who you aren't really physically attracted to will help you see your relationship purely for the sex.
What's even more exciting, is that turning the lights off so you can't see their mongoloid face has the added effect of diminishing and unnecessary eye-contact. All the birds, one stone.
2. Only spend the night if your house is on fire, or infested with bed bugs, who are also on fire.
Jerry Seinfeld brought up a great point when he was negotiating his FWB relationship with Elaine: sleeping and sex are two entirely separate activities that shouldn't coincide unless you want them too. So keep some distance from your FWB by sleeping in your own beds when you can, which will not only reduce the very disturbing possibility of pillow talk, but it'll also emphasize that your relationship is less about spending time together and more about your gentials spending time together. Four-to-seven minutes in your case, probably.
Remember: Staying over inevitably leads to getting to know each other better, which inevitably leads to you being mistakenly attracted to them for growing up a mile away from you in New Jersey, even though you never met.
3. Only see them in the context of your room, or truck bed, or wherever it is you fuck these days.
Your FWB isn't someone who you need to waste time introducing to your friends and family. They are, after all, just the person you call at 2:17 a.m. when you want someone to eat carrots out of your ass. Keep your run-ins allocated to potential sex-locations, and as far away as possible from family quinceañera and your best friend's C-Section after-party as you can.
The less intertwined they are with you and yours, the easier it'll be to keep your feelings at bay, or break it off once you've exhausted your Chewbacca/Princess Leia fantasy.
4. Set up boundaries before the aggressive fellatio
Make sure you're both on the same page about the nature of your relationship. Talk about your concerns, whether or not you're worried about ruining your friendship, how comfortable you are with being with other people, and what you want out of the friends with benefits scenario. And quick, have this conversation now before your mouth gets full of something other than words.
5. Know yourself well enough to know whether you can handle it
Can you handle this jelly? The jelly of keeping emotions seperate from sex?
Shit, don't ask us, we don't know you. You know you. So ask yourself, based on your past experiences and relationship patterns, whether or not you can handle something like this maturely. And whether your friendship with your FWB can handle it. Can you still be friends if it turns out he has a micropenis or she has an extra set of teeth in her vagina? Make sure you know yourself and your friend well enough to make that kind of assessment. Okay then!
6. Personal problems are the highway to the danger zone
Oh, so your ex broke up with you three days ago and she already has a new, boyfriend with a cool motorcycle and more testosterone in his upper lip than your entire body? Sounds like a personal problem.
Personal problems, in the world of friends with benefits, are like the metaphorical fire extinguisher on the flame that is your arousal. That's because there's nothing that kills a boner faster than a story about an ex, an ingrown hair, that slut-ass-bitch at work, or your unresolved arachnophobia. Keep the conversation on relevant topics like what hole you're going to make good use of tonight, or about what's going on with your balls, and you won't have to worry about making an emotional connection over a personal issue.
7. See other people … with your dick
Nothing keeps your FWB in the friend-zone like seeing other people. Be on the lookout for other people who you'd like to see naked. If any jealously arises, it's a barometer of your feelings for each other, and at that point, you'll know you either have to break it off with them, or tell them how you feel.
Leave a Reply