Not everything that glitters is gold … especially when it's your penis. Ouch.
There are a lot of really nice, fun things you can do to your genitals when you want to treat yourself … but pouring liquid gold on them in an effort to plate them in sparkly metal isn't one of them.
Unfortunately, that realization was too little too late in the case of L.A. gang member Nazario Gonzalez, who died of medical complications after he tried gold plate his dick to celebrate his 17th anniversary of gang-hood.
… What?! No, Nazario, nooo! We mean, your 17th anniversary isn't even a milestone. This would be much more appropriate for a 20th anniversary of gang membership … but we guess some people just don't have respect for tradition?
Prior to his failed attempt to have a dick like C-3PO, Nazario was happy and active member of L.A.'s notorious MS-13 gang. Apparently, was so proud of his membership that he stole an automotive gold plater from a local garage, painted his dick with lead-based paint, then blew liquid metal all over that D, severely burning it and other parts of his body.
The only possible explanation for this his friends and family could give was that he was really into Austin Powers, particularly 2002's off-shoot Goldmember. In the movie, a character named Goldfinger takes the name “Pelotas de oro” (golden testicles), before attempting to gold plate his own cock an balls to his ultimate demise, #inspirational. Don't ask how that translated into "This regular dick needs some karats," but it did.
Weirdly, this isn't the only instance of an L.A. gang member attempting to immortalize their dicks in precious gold; Nazario is actually the third case of this in 2015 alone.
Dr. Ian Joseffson of the Los Angeles Community Hospital warns of a growing trend within gang members to attempt the “deadly operation”.
“This is the third case this year, but we have had many occurrences in hospitals in the region these past years. It seems to be a growing trend within the gang member community," he told reporters. “I have no idea where this idea comes from but plating one’s own genitals will only ultimately end in serious medical complications or even death, as we have seen in this case.”
So, if you're in the market for a prize winning cock worthy of some Ocean's 13 -level heist, remember this: gold plating your dick is not the answer. A much better option when you wanna show that dick you appreciate all its hard work? Grapefruit blowjob. Look into it.