It’s Tuesday, a bunch of idiots are yelling at each other on TV, and any reason to drink is welcomed with open arms.
It’s that time again where we all decide which sociopathic millionaire taking a pay cut to be president would best herd us towards an unwitting apocalypse. Just to clarify, we’re talking about the real debate at 7:00 pm not the unnecessary preliminary seasonal candidate surplus debate at 5:00 pm. All cynicism mostly aside, let’s just relish in the charade they’re at least playing their part in the whole sham, so crack open your favorite adult beverage(s) and enjoy the show.
First off, let’s pour out a little for Lindsey Graham who was punted from the debate in advance. Since ol’ Graham wasn’t ready to admit that he had no chance of winning, the network did him the favor of personally mercy-killing his campaign. A nation rejoices.
Here are the rules:
1. Take a drink every time Rand Paul’s up-do bubble bath hair game is on point.
2. Drink half of a beer every time Ted Cruz seems as though he is about to cry. Similarly, take a drink every time Ted Cruz looks like a doughy grandma.
3. Drink every time you remember that John Kasich is on stage, then again whenever Kasich compares marijuana to heroin.
4. Drink every time Trump attempts to awkwardly touch or give dad-daps to a neighboring candidate.
5. Blood-dope a bottle of jack Daniels every time Ben Carson nearly puts you in a catatonic stupor with his boring ass voice. We’ll call this the ‘whisky wake-up.’
6. Take a drink if Ben Carson, summons his inner Giorgio Tsoukalos and yet again defends his bizarre Egyptian Pyramids theory.
7. Drink every time the candidates discuss who would be better at defunding Planned Parenthood, and/or chase your affordable birth control with a beer.
8. Take a drink a drink whenever Carly Fiorina makes that bitter beer face she calls a smile.
9. Maybe even chase that drink with another drink if Fiorina’s brooch is so hideous you literally can’t even.
10. Take a nice even pull every time Jeb Bush sounds like Foghorn Leghorn or if he finally admits that #JebCantFixIt
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