Do you know anyone who needs a car? A job? Friends? A life? You won't be needing yours anymore, because Chipotle has just launched their brand new delivery service.

Do you know anyone who needs a car? A job? Friends? A life? You won't be needing yours anymore, because Chipotle has just launched their brand new delivery service. Now there's really no reason to leave your ever house again.

"But, I have to go to work!" you whine.

No. You don't. You have to eat. You have to eat burritos laid at your feet by swift delivery boys/girls who take their jobs very seriously because they're saving up money to stop working at Chipotle. You deserve this. You need this. You want this.

Chipotle is delivering in 67 cities — including Denver — using the app Postmates, which Starbucks is also using for its upcoming delivery service catered towards you lazy fucks. Postmates — for the portion of populace who thinks eating means leaving a seated position — is like Uber or Lyft, but for food.  You can either sign up to make money delivering food or pay an extra fee to get your food delivered. It's the future. Mmmm. Such a tasty future …

But, as there is with most Chipotle-related things, there's an insidious catch: Burrito delivery ain't cheap. Apparently, it can cost you more than $20 to get an $8 burrito delivered, thanks to hefty service and delivery fees … so clearly this isn't a luxury most of us can afford. But sometimes, it's worth the extra cash to perpetuate your agoraphobia.

Plus, when you really look at it, being the recipient of Chipotle delivery is really the most patriotic thing you could do for this great country. Is there anything more American than eating culturally appropriated cuisine that you expended very little money, and even less ATP, on as you gorge in front of the flat-screen? You should be President.

Welcome to the future of your thunder thighs. DELICIOUS!