Scientists claim the Bard blazed dank nugs using a bong and even dabbled in cocaine …
Science has finally confirmed what we've always expected: William Shakespeare was a huge fucking stoner.
You don't have to be all that familiar with Shakespeare's plays to know some of the characters and events therein could only be conceived by someone who was so, so high.
Come on, an imp-like goat creature encouraging people to become swingers in A Midsummer Night's Dream? That's got 'bong rip' written all over it … with quill-pen and India ink.
In a paper published in the South African Journal of Science, paleoanthropologist Francis Thackeray reports he found remnants of marijuana in a collection of pipes and bongs belonging to The Bard himself, suggesting the playwright used weed for its "mind-stimulating properties."
The pipes used in the study were collected from Shakespeare's home in Stratford-upon-Avon during the 17th century. Eight of the 24 pipes found there exhibited traces of cannabis, and two even contained remnants of Peruvian cocaine. Ahh, okay, so he was a rollercoaster high kind of guy … down with weed, up with blow. Although, we're surprised he chose Peruvian over Columbian …
"[There was] unquestionable evidence for the smoking of coca leaves in early 17th century England, based on chemical evidence from two pipes in the Stratford-upon-Avon area," Thackery said in the report.
Since he first tested the old bongs in 2001, Thackeray has been on an interesting mission to convince the world that Shakespeare was a stoner.
There were certain literary clues Shakespeare left behind that support Thackery's theory.
"In Sonnet 76 Shakespeare writes about ‘invention in a noted weed’," he mentions in his report. "This can be interpreted to mean that Shakespeare was willing to use ‘weed’ (cannabis as a kind of tobacco) for creative writing (‘invention’)."
Well now, don't we all? How else do you think we were able to formulate this incredibly prosaic exemplar of the English language? Just kidding, this is purely the result of depressing office coffee and an up-and-at-'em attitude towards not getting fired.
If only weed made us as brilliant as it made Shakespeare … which makes us wonder: what the hell kind of weed was that man smoking?! Puff puff pass, Bard.