How to stop the oodles of libidinous women from throwing themselves at you. 

Say there, buddy. You've been getting laid way too often recently. Women have totally been throwing themselves at you left and right. It's really been getting in the way of your Call of Duty stuff; you just can't be having raunchy distractions right now if you ever want to reach Level Four. Well, fear not, dear nympho-man, because we've formulated a step-by-step guide to freezing your sex life in its stupid sexy tracks, starring our favorite internet sensation: "Indian Criss Angel." So watch, absorb the wisdom, and take a deep breath, because if you follow our guide,  you're never getting laid again.

Step One: The Seductive Handshake

"Jackie. That's a nice name. That's really unique. I've never heard that before."


Step Two: Touch Her Hair (To Turn Her On)

"Dude. You have really nice fucking hair."


Step Three: The Necklace Routine

"Don't worry, I'm not checking your boobs. But this piece is fucking awesome".



A few things.

1. Never do this.

2. Don't even think about doing this.

3. What did we tell you? Stop it.

4. Jackie is a reasonably common name.