It’s that spooky time of year. No, not Halloween. It’s election season, but in all fairness, the Capitol building really could pass for a haunted mansion, if you squint and imagine the politicians as ghouls. Except, it’s way scarier. Have you seen Mitch McConnell at a press conference lately? Dude looks like he’s permanently stuck in the buffering circle of doom. Is he trying to load a thought or is he still running on the dial-up connection that is Windows 98? Don’t get us started on Diane Feinstein. Speaking of ancient relics, let’s talk about the age of our politicians and its relation to the state of affairs in America. How old is too old to make the world’s most important decisions? These people are deciding the fate of the free world, but can’t even operate a smartphone without calling their grandkids? “Sorry, world peace will have to wait, Grandpa’s trying to update his iOS.” Look, I get it, wisdom comes with age but so does forgetting where you parked your car. We need some young blood in politics. Fresh faces that look like they just graduated college, not the Continental Congress.
Just like any holiday season, the traditions remain the same. Every four years, we get the privilege to squabble over the same riveting issues. Taxes! Health insurance! Abortion! Not to mention the age-old debate: when will Uncle Sam finally swipe right on marijuana legalization? Spoiler alert: don’t hold your breath. It’s like we’re all in a never-ending TikTok loop, but instead of viral dance challenges, it’s two political parties locked in a perpetual duel of “Squid Games,” where the stakes are high, but somehow, nobody ever seems to win besides those in power.
Ah, the two-party system—it’s like the NFL Draft for political disappointment. Doesn’t matter if you’re Team Democrat or Team Republican, it’s like drafting a quarterback who promises you a Super Bowl but spends four years throwing nothing but interceptions—not looking at you Russell Wilson. And the rest of us? We’re just fans in the stands, forced to cheer for a team that couldn’t score a touchdown even if they were playing against the CU Buff’s defense. Have you ever noticed how it really doesn’t matter if the Democrats or Republicans are in charge? They both come in, make promises, and then deliver like a pizza guy in a Pornhub video—and we don’t even get any pizza! You see, the two-party system is designed to keep us divided, arguing about left or right when we should be moving forward. We’re like a horse with blinders, except the horse is being ridden by a guy who thinks climate change is a liberal myth and another who wants to tax billionaires but can’t do basic math. It’s like choosing between tripping over a rake and stepping on a rake. Either way, you’re getting hit in the face. So this Halloween, don’t waste your money on horror movies or haunted houses because the real fright fest is already occurring in the corridors of Capitol Hill, where the skeletons in the closet are literal bills that haven’t been passed in decades.
Big Brad’s Top 5 Horror Movie Characters if they were president:
Freddy Kruger: Nightmare on Elm St
State of Origin: Ohio
Policies: Anti-abortion because of the constant need for new children to terrorize and implementation of mandatory Insomnia—like many who took office in U.S history. Presidential candidate Kruger promises that if elected you’ll quite literally never sleep a single night of his entire term.
Michael Myers: Halloween
State of Origin: Illinois
Policies: Michael will be the first presidential candidate to walk for president as he never runs. Much like his predecessor Joe Biden, Myer’s speeches will be limited to mostly grunting and heavy breathing. Much like President Joe Biden, Michael will never die no matter how old he is. With Democrat Jamie Lee Curtis as his “walking mate” their campaign slogan is to “Make Halloween Great Again”
Chucky: Child’s Play
State of Origin: Illinois
Policies: In favor of childcare, Presidential candidate Chucky promises mandatory play time for all children and offers a nationwide toy drive issuing a special red-headed doll to every single household with a child under its roof in America. Chucky’s pitch: “Let’s teach our little terrors to terrorize responsibly. After all, it’s never too early for children to learn the ins and outs of knife safety!”
State of Origin: Maine
Policies: Presidential candidate Pennywise has two important objectives: Number 1, to be THE first actual clown to take office and to replace Abraham Lincoln on our treasured copper one-cent coin.
Jason: Freddy vs. Jason
State of Origin: New Jersey
Policies: Jason’s focus is on Space Force. He will boldly go where no presidential candidate has gone before with plans to patrol the final frontier and make sure our planet is safe from any alien threat. Remember, this is the guy who survived drowning, being hacked, slashed, and even a trip to space. If there’s anyone who can protect us from extraterrestrial invaders, it’s Jason.