For every common ailment, there's an even stronger drink to slap you into shape. Because no one should have to sneeze sober.

We hate to say it, but not every moment’s gonna be go-time for you, and sometimes your adolescent health is gonna fail. But thankfully, there's a cure all for all your primary health care needs, and it goes by the name of 'vodka-scotch-gin-boozy-ass-booze-drank.'

That's right, sickies. For centuries we’ve used alcohol for all kinds of things: liquid courage found exclusively at the bottom of the bottle, old ladies rubbing scotch on baby’s gums for toothaches, the vodka-as-disinfectant method of caring for your scrapes that action movies have made famous. Alcohol in everything, alcohol for everything.

That's why we've made you this drunk-ass WebMD of alcoholic sickness cures for all your basic needs that aren't Ebola. Because who says you need to go sober to feel better?


Parisian Painkiller
  • 1 oz Mandarine Napoléon
  • 1 oz cold brew coffee
  • 1 oz Appleton Estate rum
  • 1 oz thai coconut
  • 1 oz fresh banana
  • Topped with cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove

As much as we all love booze, we have to admit that the stuff is technically toxic. After a heavy night of drinking, you’ll wake up to find you feel like you’ve been hit in the head and stomach with a ton of bricks. This is because you’ve been dehydrating yourself all night and taking in all the calories but none of the nutrients. Enter fruit and coffee filled morning after drinks: to give you a quick boost with the stuff you need to keep your drunk ass moving.


The Tempest
  • 1.5 oz of Zwack digestif liqueur
  • 0.5 oz Barrows Ginger liqueur
  • 0.75 oz fresh lime juice
  • 3 to 4 dashes Tuthilltown Basement Bitters
  • Topped with Ginger Ale

Digestif liqueurs are meant to get things settled in after a heavy meal. Zwack, your new favorite Hungarian bombshell, is alcoholic but loaded with around forty unnamed herbs and spices. This, combined with the natural tummy-settling elements found in ginger, and the fizzy goodness found in ginger ale, is bound to get you back on your feet and off of the bathroom floor.


Red Wine

Simplicity at its finest, red wine is proven to be good for your circulation. Which means it’s less likely to get in the way of your little soldier standing at attention. This is the second best prevention method for all of your erectile dysfunction nightmares. The first best prevention method? Slow it down on the shots, but if you must be a bit faded to approach someone you’re interested in, consider lighting up a big ol’ bowl of green.


Habanero Ginger Margarita
  • 2 oz habanero-infused Jose Cuervo Tradicional
  • 2 oz fresh lime juice
  • 0.5 cup ginger beer
  • 2 tsp simple syrup
  • flakey sea salt for the rim

If you’re prone to headaches or even migraines, one of the best at-home remedies is heat. From habanero to cayenne, any capsicum pepper is proven to bring headache relief to sufferers. The next obvious step is to add tequila to it.


Chamomile Toddy
  • 1.5 oz brandy
  • 0.5 oz honey syrup
  • lemon wedge
  • orange slice
  • 4oz hot brewed chamomile tea

Steam to clear up your nose, citrus with honey for your throat, and chamomile to get you comfortable enough to go curl up on the couch and sleep for a thousand years.