Everyone has their own relationship to and tolerance for alcohol, but next time you imbibe, drinking enthusiasts recommend you limit yourself to the paltry, yet effective ration of two drinks.

The rule goes like this: if you are a lightweight or one of those rare humans who's found that zero or one drink is the right number for you, then that's the number to stick with. Great job. You get a gold star. 

For everyone else, try exactly two.

Here's why: two drinks is the amount you need to participate in the hangout and begin to feel the stimulating effects of alcohol without blowing it and fucking your boss and his wife on the Xerox machine at the Arbor Day party. With that number, you still technically went out drinking — you just wake up feeling refreshed, instead of half dead the next morning. You get to maintain control and composure while still having a good time and not feeling like you missed out something.

Does this seem low? It is if you're a Psi Kappa Gamma pledge, it might, but it's really not. Having two drinks is moderate social drinking that'll ensure you're a little more relaxed and easygoing without becoming sloppy or belligerent. After all, you can't be the the life of the party when you're passed out in your own crotch. And remember; being the life of the party doesn't necessarily mean swinging from the rafters and streaking up and down the street while your balls and boobs heave and jiggle with the force of each step. Sometimes, being the life of the party means actually being the life of the party; like the one person who's still alert and vivacious enough to keep going whilst everyone else succumbs to martini narcolepsy.

What's the best way to do this? Stick to intense drinks; stuff you can't really pound unless your have no taste buds and your stomach is made of iron. Scotch, mega IPAs, super-sour beer, a full-bodied wine, Bloody Marys — the kind of stuff that'll keep you happy and sipping, but not raring for like 14 more.

Another benefit of that? You get to taste and savor the beverage … you know, truly appreciate that it taste like paint varnish thinner.

Looking to get fucked up as opposed to just merry and tolerable to other people? Chug both your allotted drinks at once, timing it to match the general level of inebriation wherever you are. Watch the crowd, see when they start getting giddy and rowdy, and — bottoms up.

In between your two drinks, you can chug any number of alcohol-looking things in case you're worried people will question your commitment to Sparkle Motion. Cranberry with seltzer water. A plain soda. Even a virgin cocktail or grape or apple juice instead of wine.

If anyone fucks with you, just say you're pacing yourself. Pacing yourself! You can't really argue with that. And you get the added plus of hydrating between boozes. Know what hydration does? Makes your spit taste pretty alright when you suck face with Terry or Terri, depending on your preference. Another win for you.

All of this to say that drinking, like working out, can be more beneficial to you as a routine. You don't go to the gym and say "I'm just gonna do arm stuff;" you have a plan, a road map if you will, that maximizes the benefit of your effort.

So go forth into the weekend, children, and drink like the responsible-yet-still-pretty-drunk miracle of modern science that you are. Good talk.