Twitter beefs are "m'eh" in the history of feuds. But they can sure be fun to watch from the sidelines!
Back in the day, when feuds erupted, people died.
Just look at Andrew Jackson, yeah that Andrew Jackson, the 7th President of the United States, and a man whose face you’re most likely to be sitting on, next to a winkled George Washington, of course. When Jackson had a beef with a horse breeder named Charles Dickinson, over an insult directed at Jackson’s wife, he challenged Dickinson to a duel, that is, he told Dickinson to meet him in the country … it was going down.
The two pointed pistols at each other and Jackson, being the sporting fellow he was, gave Dickinson the first shot. The ball of lead found its mark in Jackson’s chest, but that never stopped the soon-to-be president, who remained standing, and took aim. Jackson fired back killing Dickinson, and kept the bullet in his chest as a keepsake and super bad-ass body modification for the remainder of his years.
Fast forward a few decades, two rappers you may have heard of, Christopher Wallace AKA Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur, get into it over a shooting outside a New York studio. The resulting bad blood became the beef of the century, and spawned some viscous diss tracks, a few brawls, and a country divided by coasts — ultimately ending badly for both sides and the hip-hop community in large.
Now, with the rise of the Internet, and more specifically Twitter, feuds have taken on a whole new level of savagery. Got beef? Take that grade-A cut of hostility, simmer it down until you have 140 characters or less, and you have the ingredients for what is passing for a “feud” these days. Talking shit is just so much easier when you can do it from behind a screen, with little to no actual human interaction.
Maybe that’s why everyone from celebrities to presidential candidates have taken to the Twittersphere to proverbially shit all over the world. Twitter feuds are taking over the mainstream, hell to be honest, they’re usually more entertaining than a Mayweather fight — but still we can’t help but wonder if there is some level of pussification of our culture when someone insults your wife and instead of challenging them to a pistol duel you angrily smash out a 140-character verbal blitzkrieg on your new iPhone.
Still, our culture loves a good fight, so let’s take a look at a few of the most ridiculous Twitter feuds of all time, for the lulz.
Amanda Bynes vs. Everyone
Let’s be clear, mental illness is a serious issue, but if we can’t laugh at the past we’re doomed to repeat it; or something like that. Before former childhood star turned Twitter war machine, Amanda Bynes, sought help for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, she was in — often one-sided — feuds with the likes of Drake, Rihanna, Courtney Love, Jenny McCarthy, the Obamas, and ugly people everywhere. Back in 2013, Bynes Tweeted: “I want @Drake to murder my vagina.” A fuzzy sentiment, but when Drake didn’t respond Bynes lashed out with her favorite insult at the time, calling the rapper “ugly” (Bynes has also labeled the Obamas, Miley Cyrus, Jay Z and Jason Biggs “ugly” too). Earlier that year, Bynes took to the Twittersphere to trash Rihanna, and she wasn’t above taking some low blows.
Thankfully, Bynes got the help she needed, and has since apologized for these 140 character machine gun bursts. So to reiterate, mental illness: not funny. Tweets like “I want @Drake to destroy my vagina”: hilarious.
Chelsea Handler vs. Nick Cannon
#TBT to 2010 when Nick Cannon announced he was launching a comedy tour, something which Handler found a little too amusing to leave alone. Handler tweeted this:
Cannon apparently didn’t take this jab too well and quickly went on the defensive with a vicious barrage:
“@Chelseahandler Looks like she got hit in the face with a hot bag of nickels!” he also tweeted. But he wasn’t done yet …
Things between the two cooled down for a bit, but that wasn’t the end of this beef. Fast forward to 2014, Handler poked a fun at a feature Cannon and wife Mariah Carey had in Ebony Magazine. Cannon “didn’t hear” the insults but apparently felt the need to respond anyway. “I didn’t hear what @chelseahandler said about me because I don’t watch her show. (NO ONE DOES) What channel is it on, public access?” Handler waived the white flag and said she didn’t want another feud, but that didn’t stop Cannon from firing off one more quip. “I would be glad to have @chelseahandler on any of my shows. I have several…on many different networks.”
Meek Mill vs. Aubrey Graham (aka Drake)
While rap beefs in the past have started on the streets with shootings and robberies, modern rappers are beefing over tweets. Back in July, Meek Mill suggested that Drake didn’t write his own raps.
The accusation started a Twit-storm (kinda like a shit-storm but with more electronic shit) with heavy hitters like Lupe Fiasco and Rick Ross weighing in — but Drake remained suspiciously silent, that is, until his Beats 1 OVO Sound radio show where he unleashed “Charged Up,” a track dripping with Meek disses. The two have fired back with other acid-tongued tracks, and as of now this beef is still on the burner. We will just have to wait and see if the two rappers have any more verbal ammunition to follow.
Conan O’Brien vs. Madeleine Albright
This may not the biggest beef on the list, but it’s quite possibly the most brutal. When Conan tweeted, “I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as Slutty Madeleine Albright,” last year, he didn’t realize that he had royally fucked up. The talk show host broke several cardinal rules of shit talking when he hurled the joke at what we are sure he thought was an easy target, the most important rule being: you don’t talk shit to an old lady nicknamed “Madame Cojones,” who looks like she tosses kids in the oven for mid-day snacks. The wiry ginger got what was coming to him when Ms. Cojones clapped back: “@ConanOBrien I'm considering going as hunky Conan O'Brien – but that might be too far fetched.” Shots fired!
Donald Trump vs. The World
The Don hasn’t let running for president distract him from one of his true passions; verbally desecrating anyone who dare cross the Trumpanator, or those who just happen to stand in his way to the presidency, or those who he perceives as standing in his way, or just people he doesn’t like in general.
When taking on political opponents “Fuckface Von Clownstick” as he’s affectionately known on Twitter, always keeps it above the belt. “If Hilary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” No mudslinging there.
The Trumpster dumpster that is @realDonaldTrump, will pretty much unload on anyone. Here is Trump unleashing on Michelle Malkin, founder of the Twitter aggregation site Twitchy, after she called Trump "a conservafraud.”
The Huffington Post hasn’t exactly been the biggest supporters of Trump’s, so Trump went straight for the head of news outlet when he tweeted this about the co-founder and editor-in-chief, Arianna Huffington.
And of course, Trump just has to put in his two cents about Barak Obama wherever he can, tweeting at different times:
“The Oscars are a sad joke, very much like our President. So many things are wrong!”
“The way President Obama runs down the stairs of Air Force 1, hopping & bobbing all the way, is so inelegant and unpresidential. Do not fall!”
With all the grace and tact Trump shows on Twitter, we’re sure he will excel at foreign policy if given the chance. At least Deadspin had the balls to toss a little shit back at Trump. When Don tweeted congratulations to Deadspin for breaking the Manti Te’o debacle, the website responded with a simple, yet admittedly unwarranted: “Go fuck yourself.”
Yeah, what Deadspin said.