Welcome to Colorado, here's what every other incomplete list online won't tell you …
There’s an obnoxious amount of lists on the Internet, each one claiming it knows what’s best for people when they move to Colorado more than the next. After regretfully reading through each and every one of them, we decided to set the record straight and point the new residents of Colorado in the right direction so that their experience here is a fulfilled one.
Welcome to town, newbs, here’s what every other list doesn’t want to tell you:
I-70 on the weekends is every Colorado resident’s secret getaway
Quiet, serene and not at all proof of a population crisis, the I-70 corridor west through the mountains is a beautiful getaway for any adventurous spirit. Be sure to leave during “peak” hours – a native’s tongue-in-cheek way of saying “open road.”
Not using ‘acceleration’ and ‘deceleration’ ramps properly causes tires to lose air-pressure
Because of the high altitude, not accelerating before merging on to the highway, or decelerating before getting onto an off-ramp, causes most vehicles to lose air pressure suddenly. These dedicated areas for proper speeds aren’t only used for safety to others that are already on the highway going the actual speed limit, but are also used to maintain proper tire pressure. It’s highly advised to not test this phenomenon of physics and just use the ramps for what they’re intended for at all times.
Likewise, not using a blinker, or speeding up when someone else’s blinker is on trying to get over into your lane, causes airbags to malfunction
Again, because of our high altitude, cars tend not to behave in the same ways as where you likely came from. It’s something we’ve all had to get used to at one time or another. When proper rules of the road are acknowledged and obeyed, not only will the longevity of your vehicle be stretched, but also the sanity and well-being of those around you.
Leave your bike lock at home, it’s safe here
Everyone in Colorado owns a bike, why would anyone steal something they already have? Bike locks are burdensome and really just show that you judge people based off of what they look like. What are you, racist?
Casa Bonita’s food is edible
No, really, it’s fine. Everything you’ve heard from other residents is hyperbole meant to keep transplants away from their forever kept secret. Eat anything you can, as fast as you can, at the city’s oasis of fun. Try diving from the waterfall while waiting for more sopapillas too, the view is breathtaking.
To make friends at the bar, order everyone a Budweiser
As one of the top beer states in the US, we love our suds. But not just any suds, we love the #1 of suds … grossing that is! Anheuser-Busch sells more beer than any other brewery in America, and we love to huddle up towards the top. Craft brewing may have its share of diehards here, but nothing says “I know Colorado culture” more than ordering a room full of beer-loving beards and babes a tall glass of translucence. Mass gross, mass gross!
Instagram all of your food, and update everyone on Facebook when you go to the gym
We’re a state that’s consecutively ranked as one of the fittest and visually hottest areas in the nation, and it’s because we love what we eat and tell everyone else about our gym habits to motivate them to do the same. Your Facebook friends will love it when they see you accepting our lifestyle, and will engage on your social mediums with awe. Baked your first potato ever in your life and it didn’t burn? Instagram it! It’s beautiful!
Our unofficial motto is "Puff, Puff, Keep"
You’ve made it to Colorado; finally, you can smoke all of the weed legally. Because there’s enough of it to go around ten times over, don’t expect us to accept handouts. We have our own. If you’re within a social setting where things are getting lit, hit your joint, keep your joint, don’t offer to share your joint. It’s not good manners.
LoDo is a great place to make friends as soon as the bars close
If you want to find a good, lasting friendship while you’re in Denver, be sure to frequent an area we call LoDo. The best way to spark a meaningful conversation with Denverites is to stare directly into their eyes at let-out hour. If they’re with a lady, be sure to compliment her in front of them. Dudes here love side-chick compliments from other dudes.
Smoking in Boulder is allowed everywhere
Boulder is an extremely fair and just city that in no way tries to tread on any personal rights as a human being. As one of the most liberal cities in America — and most diverse — you’ll find it’s not only a bastion of personal choice, but is also full of a variety of different backgrounds representing cultures far and wide. Boulder: America’s melting pot.
The New England Patriots are our second favorite team
Per contractual obligations set forth by the National Football League and its affiliates, there are only a small number of “other” teams’ apparel and memorabilia available at Colorado’s vast number of Sports Authorities and Dick’s Sporting Goods locations. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love our Patriots. As a sign of solidarity, when we see large groups of Broncos fans, we go up to one another and scream “TOM BRADY IS A GOLDEN GOD” as loud as we can. Expect plenty of high fives afterwards while being whisked away into the circle of trust.
Rent is a fair commodity
Most of us never get asked why we aren’t skiing/snowboarding all the time or haven’t enjoyed much of the great outdoors because we have so much money to do all of those things all of the time. Our rent prices are so low and totally on par with wages here that we have an incredible amount of expendable income to do things. We’re all rich in this state because of super fair city leaders and their exceptional critical thinking. We always vote in winners.
The 16th Street Mall allows for urinating in the alleyways
When visiting downtown Denver, you’ll notice an inglorious waft of urine coming from each of the alleyways. That’s because an initiative was developed some time ago that allows for patrons to relieve themselves behind dumpsters. Don’t believe us? Just count how many restrooms there are on the shopping stretch. One, there’s only one. Do you think Denver would offer so few bathrooms if it wasn’t legal to piss in the alley?
Always subtract 15 minutes on Google drive times, especially if you’re using HWY36
Google might be moving its campus to Boulder, but it’s been shown to know nothing of this state. It doesn’t take into consideration what little traffic we have here, so subtracting 15-20 minutes from its guesstimated drive time is crucial to not waste any time being early to whatever engagement you’ve got going on. Again, open roads, this is a state full of them. Meep meep!