At the end of the day, is a mind-blowing quickie any better than a four-hour tantric sexcapade?

We all have that friend who blabs incessantly about the eight-hour fuck-fest he or she just had, as if they were some sort of coked-out rabbit intent on repopulating the planet.

We don’t know whether to high five a million angels for this friend because the physical feat is so overwhelming, or to weep tears of sorrow for our own twelve minute average.

General opinion and every R&B song dictate that we should be envious of this fucking-till-sunrise opportunity. But … should we actually be? Many an e-site has attempted to answer this question with in-depth analyses of how long good sex should actually last, and, in an attempt to answer this question for ourselves, we've summarized the results for you below. 

Here are the very surprising results of what we found.

According to Esquire …

Average actual sex time is 3 – 7 minutes.

Excluding everyone’s favorite part – foot jobs, we mean foreplay- three minutes seems like a pretty short time. How many thrusts can even take place in 180 seconds? According to this study in Esquire magazine, plenty of thrusts. This span of time is just long enough for a quickie in the bathroom during your cousin’s piano recital. Better hurry, he’s one Fur Elise away from taking a bow.

This short time frame isn’t enough time for activities that aren't jackhammering, but hey, it's at least enough time to raise the heart rate. Surprisingly, three to seven minutes is the American average, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing that we spend more time standing in line at Chipotle than we do getting our rocks off. Come on patriots; let’s get those numbers up. 

According to Glamour …

Average desired sex time: 10 – 14 minutes

Glamour surveyed 1,000 women to see how long they wanted sex to last. Twenty-eight percent said 10-14 minutes, which seems totally reasonable. We can pop some chicken cutlets in the oven, pound one out, and enjoy a fabulous post-sex meal. However, this time excludes any sort of warm up lap, base rounding, or build up. This is just penile to vaginal penetration. If we don’t want to just get down to brass tax, we may need to allocate more time for both parties to reach le petit mort.

According to Cosmo …

Average desired sex time: 15 – 25 minutes

The Girl Bible, Cosmopolitan, polled 2,500 women on how long they wanted sex to last. A majority wanted sex to go on from 15 to a whopping 25 minutes. We would need all that time to assume the “butter churner” sex position.

Side note: this amount of time is said to be the best for achieving an internal G-Spot orgasm … and for having a stiff neck for the week. Don’t get us wrong; sex is fantastic. It’s second only to free food or beer. However, we also have real lives that require plenty of mental stamina to make it through all three seasons of House of Cards. Our bodies can barely run around the block much less maintain the reverse cowgirl position for more than a few minutes. This 25-minute lovemaking sesh almost always requires a form of post-coitual meatball sub.  

According to Maxim …

Hot spot for perfect sex: 20-25 minutes

There have clearly been a lot of one-sided studies on what women want in bed. Maybe that’s because women have a harder time getting off then their male counterparts. Finding out how she ticks can take some serious sleuthing. Maybe women are more purposeful when it comes to love-making.

No matter the reason, Maxim argues that for men, the Goldilocks of sexual satisfaction for both parties is 20-25 minutes. It’s enough time to hit her hot spots, and enough flexibility for the guy to pull out and try other avenues in hopes of holding off the dreaded pre-jack. Any longer that this and we’ll need water breaks. Any shorter and she’ll be left unsatisfied lying in a sticky pile of male success.

Our opinion? It doesn't fucking matter. As you can see, the variance in how long sex "should" last is too vast to generalize anything. All in all, the longevity of each person’s bedroom boom depends on their own preference. If we can bang one out in three minutes and feel satisfied, then that’s totally fantastic. If we require a little more ball tickling or furry handcuffs to reach our finish line then so be it. At the end of the day, fucking is fucking. It’s one of life’s grandest pleasures and the exact timing of it matters 100 percent less than the quality and whether each person got what they needed. To each their own … as they say.