In spite of the debilitating loneliness and general disgust with people in happy relationships, those of us going solo can have some fun on Valentine’s Day. Here is our personally-tested self gift guide for all the single people out there who won’t be getting laid on February 14th.
Uberrime Grinding Toy
For her from $56
Before I discovered vibrators and habitually let a machine do the work for me, I masturbated Natalie Portman style in Black Swan (google it if you don’t know). Now that I have grown accustomed to 3,600 oscillations per minute, I like using grinders to spice up a low-tech self-pleasure sesh. Uberrime has one of the best selection of “humping” toys and you can get extra bougie with it by customizing the look of your toy’s colors with their made to order option.
WaterSlyde Bath Tub Water Diverter
For her from $29
Remember when you accidentally discovered how glorious the jets in a hot tub felt when its warm, pressurized stream of water hit the sweet spot for the first time? Same. While the WaterSlyde doesn’t pack the same punch as a hot tub jet or your shower head, it makes up for it by giving you a lazy, on your back, in-bathtub ecstasy experience. The 16” slide lets you comfortably enjoy yourself without being a contortionist. This ice luge-ish method may take longer if you are used to hammering your clit with a powered toy, but it does free up your hands for a glass (or three) of wine.
Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe
For her from $249
This vibrator is hilariously hideous and gives off major Sonicare toothbrush vibes, but hear me out. For ten years this has been my favorite go-to vibrator and, unlike your exes, it will never let you down. This bad boy is corded and connected directly to the power grid which means endless, toe-curling and relentless vibes. I recommend the 2 Plus/Soft Finger combo because those attachments are *chefs kiss*, but if you really want to treat yourself go for the Ultimate Combo.
FleshLight QuickShot Stroker
For him from $39
The FleshLight is a true classic, but their QuickShot series lets you bust out of your comfort zone. No matter the occasion whether it’s Christmas dinner with the family, wedding receptions, or a business conference, the QuickShot is small enough to hide in your pocket to sneak into the bathroom for some solo fun and quick stress release before your next PowerPoint presentation on Q1.
The Handy Masturbator
For him from $18
Take masterbation high tech with The Handy. This automated stroker gives you full control of strokes per minute, stroke length, and shaft positioning (think “just the tip”). Since you obviously don’t have someone to work your appendage with their tongue IRL, you can get close to simulating the real deal by using one of its three presets: tease, blowjob, or deep throat. Even better (or sadder) is the ability to customize/sync The Handy movements to match any video – including your own recordings if you are lucky enough to have even made some.
Pulse Solo Vibrator
For him from $100
This “guybrator” was designed to stimulate the frenulum and is a game changer for those of you who love edging. If you don’t know what a frenulum is, do yourself a favor and google it. The Pulse makes it so you can have the ultimate, hands-free, stroke-less, and lazy orgasm between episodes of Battle Bots. Heads up, the charge only lasts one hour so make sure you have a backup otherwise it’s back to Rosey Palmer and her five friends.