Hookup Horoscope April 2022: Rest Easy Knowing Your Sexual Release Is In The Hands Of The Stars
ARIES: Your buzz words this month are “spontaneous” and “unrestricted.” You fuck like a superhero (though you could slow it down a little, TBH). You’d rather cut out the foreplay and dive straight in to the actual animal sex. And remember, sex isn’t to be confused with love. At least not for you.
TAURUS: You’re on a no-frills trajectory this month, and this will inform your every sexual urge. No games, just fucking. Find a partner who can keep up with you as you can fuck for hours without pause. You may not be spontaneous, but you get it right the first time.
GEMINI: Words are like sex, so you can get off pretty handily just by listening to someone talk dirty. But is the middle of a fuck-session the time and place for serious dialogue? Not unless you’re with another Gemini. Then, you should bone up on your Shakespeare and let ‘er rip.
CANCER: You’re sweet and sensitive, but sometimes just want someone to fuck your brains out. Your sign is attracted to both men and women, so you shouldn’t have any problem finding a reliable fuck buddy. You’ll want to ditch the emotional sponge routine for the time being, though.
LEO: It’s springtime, and the lovin’ is easy, Leo! It’s all about you, you, you this month, and it’s about fucking time. No more pussyfooting around with your partners’ feelings and needs. Get in and get out. It’s all about quantity, not quality. Even your worst sex looks like fucking fireworks to everyone else.
VIRGO: Your sex life currently resembles a hooker with a humpback, a peg leg, and chlamydia. Where’s that pure and innocent attitude you always show to others? Fuck all that…you want it now and you want it bad. Don’t be shy. Ask that certain someone if they’d like their salad tossed and get to it.
LIBRA: If it were possible for your brain to have sex with another brain, it would be a literal mind-fuck. What better way to express yourself, Libra! You’re cocky and confident these days, so you’re in high demand. Use your formidable mind to emphasize pleasure, partnership, and passion.
SCORPIO: You are the only sign that can make the simple act of fucking into a season of Downton Abbey. Stop overthinking everything. Use that intense sexuality to find ‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em, and forget ‘em. That’s how you roll. There’ll be time for a LTR another day.
SAGITTARIUS: If sex were a sport, you’d be a pro athlete. Nobody does it better, to quote a song. Just reel in that selfish part of your personality. You’ll sow a lot more oats by collaborating instead of the old cum-and-go.
CAPRICORN: Sex is little more than a negotiation for your sign this month. What goes where, how fast, how slow, lights on, lights off…it can become a bit tiresome, especially for your partner. Not everything has to be by the book. There’s a sexy beast hiding beneath all that seriousness. Let it out to play.
AQUARIUS: Your take-it-or-leave-it approach may be cramping your style. At some point, you have to be a little more vulnerable. Playing hard to get is getting old. Mix it up and improve your chances at smashing with a few hotties. It’s okay to be mysterious once in awhile. Just make sure there’s follow-through.
PISCES: You’re all about subtlety and nuance this month. Up your flirting game. Lead someone on and then walk away without giving them what they want. Ghosting can be an excellent aphrodisiac. You’ll have them eating from your hands in no time.