Hookup Horoscopes May 2022
AQUARIUS: Oh, you love a party…anytime, anywhere. You attend stranger’s funerals just so you can meet potential sex partners. At least you’re never boring. This month, you just wanna watch. Even if it’s your own partner with someone else…it turns you on. The quirkier and weirder, the better.
PISCES: Though the concept of sex can be a mystery to you – all that touching and moaning and carrying on – this month you’re going to jump into it with both feet. You are an astrological chameleon, which means you enjoy being whomever or whatever you want in bed. Embrace your sexy, robust fantasy life.
ARIES: You’re hotter than July, and you don’t care who knows it. Ease up, you horny beast. Try and refrain from dry-humping everyone and everything you see. And if sex is going to involve fruit and vegetables, at least get them home before you cause a scene in the grocery store.
TAURUS: If you’re going to chase hotties, you really need to be in better shape. May is Taurus season, and you’ve still got your off-season body. Put down that donut and quicken your pace so you don’t miss out on a connection with the attractive stranger who wants to be your sexy matador. Olé!
GEMINI: Use that pretty mouth of yours for more than just talking. As a cunning linguist, you hypnotize and mesmerize, but cunnilingus is a far better tool for you to master. It may be a new language for you, but you’ll get straight As on your report card.
CANCER: Romance is nice, but “nice” is overrated. Where smashing is concerned, you don’t have to stay in your own lane. You want hot, steamy sex in a lake, hot tub, shower, or wherever water is present. Ditch the goody-two-shoes shit and let ‘er rip.
LEO: You’re looking to spice things up this month, no longer satisfied with the status quo. What’ll it be? Those quiet, shy types often become lions in the bedroom, so don’t overlook the opportunity. Try being the vulnerable, submissive partner for a change. You’ll love the feeling.
VIRGO: Without condoning unlawful behavior, you’re urged to move your sexual exploits from the bedroom to somewhere there’s a bit of risk involved. Yeah, you might get a little dirty (okay, a LOT dirty), but it’s time to shrug off that virginal reputation and stop being a pain in the ass.
LIBRA: Though you like pretending you’re elegant and have good taste, the truth shines through this month. Drag that freak flag out of the closet and let it fly. Add a little spanking action and hair pulling to your sexy repertoire. It benefits you to add a few new positions, too, if you want those monster orgasms.
SCORPIO: You’ve tried all those sexy games already, so what’s left for you? Connect with an exhibitionist this month and let them show you the excitement of sex in public. Yes, it’s risky, but you’re the master risk taker, so don’t get caught. Even if you do, you can talk your way out of anything.
SAGITTARIUS: You are built for adventure, so leave that vanilla stuff behind and spice up your sex life. With your eagerness to try anything once, you’ve got lovers lining up to experience the Sagittarius Smash. Throw in a round of dirty talk and you’ll be golden.
CAPRICORN: You work hard and play hard. You could say “hard” is your favorite word. You absolutely adore mutual masturbation be it with one person or ten. If you can let your tight-assed ways go for a hot minute, you’d be quite popular, too.