A step-by-step guide for getting so many Facebook likes on your so-called writing, like oh my god.

A step-by-step guide for getting so many Facebook likes on your so-called writing, like oh my god.

1. Align yourself with an extreme viewpoint about a socially conscious issue

Calling something intended to be unoffensive sexist or racist is a great way to start, you big internet writer, you. See, internet journalists love to align themselves with a particularly socially conscious ethos that stands up for underrepresented populations, be it valid or not, because people are very righteous and love to share articles like that to seem like they've "got it right" so everyone knows how great of people they are.

Case in point, this Pitchfork article about how Skrillex's label OWSLA is perpetuating sexism against women with this completely-unoffensive-yet-easily-panderable-to-Facebook-likes mixtape art:

Of course, underrepresented or otherwise marginalized populations rely on internet journalism for a voice, but we're not talking about writing legit, thoughtful articles here. We're talking about blowing up Facebook then asking your boss for a raise because 40K people liked your "10 reasons why tampons are little soft misogynists" article.


Successful internet writers aren't writers at all! No, sweetie, they're just people with a confusingly extensive access to gifs. If you want your perfect internet article to get shared more than the human papillomavirus, you have to do is use gifs as replacements for words, incorporating as little text as possible to describe a mood or situation.

Then, use that article on the resume portion of your website under where it says "writer" and pat yourself on the pack. You wrote with pictures. SO RELATABLE.

3. Lists all day everyday

If someone wanted to read a novel, they'd read a novel, amiright? So, instead of explaining your point using "sentences" and "structure," just throw caution to the wind and format your article about the socioeconomic impact of Kim Kardashian on the molly market like a list. Just like this article!

4. Be glaringly, painfully obvious

People of the internet love nothing more than reading about excruciatingly, maddeningly obvious topics. For inspiration, see the following:

"10 reasons you need a good man in your life!" (Because bad men suck. No fucking shit).

"How to tell she's woman you'll spend your life with!" (You can trust her. No fucking shit). 

"Why shower sex is the worst sex you'll ever have!" (Because it sucks. No fucking shit). 

"17 struggles you know all too well when you have to pee all the time!" (It hurts. No fucking shit).

These are all Elite Daily articles by the way. Just write an Elite Daily article.

5. Write about something that only people from _____ will understand

Make your article so hot and exclusive by tailoring it to a small, specific population of web peons. For example, "13 things only people with a social security number ending with 0420 will understand."

If you're not from California, or if you weren't born in 1992, or if you didn't collect Pokemon cards in your step dad's basement in May of '03 you will have NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON, and this article will not apply to you ha ha ha!

But the people that do apply to your small, specific population of web peons will be so furiously and passionately gleeful that someone understands the minutia of their everyday life that they will share it 200K times and tag their BFFs from college in it with the caption "SO TRUE!" You're famous.

6. Pay Facebook an offensive sum to promote it

You too can garner 69K Facebook likes if you're willing to pay the small and one-time fee of $160 to Facebook, our internet Dear Leader. If you're hurting for cash, then we'll sure the 89 people that Facebook shows your article too will truly, sincerely enjoy all the GIFs you put in there.

7. Make it about being in your 20s

If your article isn't centered around regaling your audience with anecdotes about why they should travel to South East Asia in their 20s, or why they shouldn't settle down in their 20s, or why their 20s an important time to develop productive financial habits for the future, then just drop your computer in the bathtub with you in it and scrub it and your body clean of all your literary aspirations.

8. Have no experience writing anything legitimate ever

The most #blessed internet articles are written by people whose writerly credentials include having over 10K Twitter followers, being James Franco, or having a column on Vice about eating period blood, so don't expect to put that literature degree to good use on the web, mkay?

Aside from those eight core tips, we can tell you with ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAINTY that CAPITALIZATION and telling people THEY WON'T BELIEVE BLAH BLAH BLAH will make people share the shit out of your article. Oh, and don't be shy about including the word "Kardashian" in your title! Godspeed, nerds.