Be it wings, burgers, ribs, or chips & dip, there's a right way, and a wrong way to devour your favorite Super Bowl snack. And we know what it is. Enter, dear reader, and learn how to eat Super Bowl delicacies like the not-idiot you are.
Be it wings, burgers, ribs, or chips & dip, there's a right way, and a wrong way to devour your favorite Super Bowl snack. And we know what it is. Venture on, dear reader, and learn how to eat Super Bowl delicacies like the not-idiot you are.
BURGERS
We've all been there; you're holding a hamburger up to your quivering lips, when you unhinge your jaw to take a bite and- the entire thing disintegrates in your hands, leaving you with nothing more than a heap of what could have been a glorious union between meat and mouth. Thankfully for you, Japanese researchers have discovered the perfect way to hold a burger to ensure that all its mouthwatering insides stay intact when you bite into it like a ravenous, hibernation-starved bear. Witness the right way to hold your meat patty:
If the burger is held uniformly, with as many points of its circular body being supported by your fingers as is possible, it'll keep its constitution. Here, check it out in action.
Aha! Not a drop spilled. Now, young student, travel to your Super Bowl party with the confidence of a thousand Kanye Wests.
CHICKEN WINGS
One of the greatest mysteries of the ubiquitous chicken wing is how to tear every single morsel of flesh from those tiny bones and put it in your facial orifice for digestive purposes. Time after time, you attempt this feat, ending up with something that resembles not a dry, meatless bone, but something that your friends newborn tried to teeth on. No more! Here is how you eat a chicken wing like it's your god-given calling:
1. Pull off the cartilage at the wider end.
2. Twist and pull out the small bone, then the larger one.
3. That's it. Seriously. It's that easy.
.gif)
Moving on.
RIBS. DELICIOUS RIBS.
Forget everything you know about eating ribs. Eating ribs is about much more than tearing impossibly soft, barbeque sauce-laden flesh from the bones of that day's kill. No. To be a professional rib-eater, you've got to understand the attitude with which you should approach your prey. We think this guy says it best:
"The proper way to eat pork ribs is to approach the plate (paper will do) with the lust and fervor of a teenager under a full moon. Begin with as much verbal preamble (e.g., "Woooooo-ee, them ribs look good!") as you see fit. Do not hold back. Instead, hold the first rib in one hand and rip it from the rack-when properly prepared, the ribs should tear as easily as a wet paper towel. (Note: Some rib racks are so tender and yielding that, when pulled, an entire bone will just slide right out with no meat attached, leaving the next bone laden with twice as much succulent meat. This situation should be greeted with the same enthusiasm as a bonus round on a game show.)
Grasp each end of the bone and peel the meat off with your teeth. Lick your lips. Savor every delicious bite. Feel the velvety sauce coat your chin, your cheeks, your fingers. (Napkins? What napkins?) Repeat as often as necessary until you can no longer speak, let alone move. Lick your fingers clean. Sigh contentedly as you lean back in your chair. Think about toothpicks."
THE ALMIGHTY SEVEN LAYER DIP
The holy mother of all chip & dip dishes, Seven Layer Dip, poses several difficult moral and gustatory qualms. Let's tackle them like the Broncos are going to tackle the Seahawks…but harder.
Problem: You can't dip down far enough to get all the layers on your chip without putting your entire arm there.
Solution: Use a spoon. It's so obvious it hurts.
Problem: There's a layer in there that you really don't want to eat, and it's towards the top (like sour cream…gross).
Solution: Get a plate. Put some dip on your personal plate, as to save the rest of the party from your desire to groom the the appetizers like an ape grooming its young. Pick through it, hunched over, like the neurotic you are until you've separated the good stuff from the bad stuff.
Problem: Your chip keeps breaking off in the dip, and your tum-tum isn't getting the dip it needs.
Solution: Get a better chip. Garden of Eatin' yellow corn chips and Tostito's Original are curiously strong, and have some back to them. Or, if you really want to conquer this age-old dilemma, use a carrot or celery stick to dip instead of a chip because they're stronger and healthier and everyone will see you eating veggies instead of chips and automatically assume you're great in bed.
Leave a Reply