Compound interest is a sexy bitch — and it’s time to start paying her now.

Admit it: You don’t have a clue when it comes to money. And delayed gratification isn’t your strong suit. But you won’t need to ask, “Do you want fries with that?” long into your golden years thanks our handy financial-genius guide. Compound interest is a sexy bitch — and it’s time to start paying her now.

Write it Down
Get a few beers ready, because you’re gonna take a cold hard look at where the hell your money is actually going each month. Download the last six months of debits and credits from your bank account and start sorting. Beyond the obvious necessities, dissect how many times you’re makin’ it rain at Taco Bell and how much beer you’re renting on Friday night. Most of the time, people aren’t even aware of how much cash they’re wasting — and knowledge is power.

Never Carry Debt on your Credit Card
Credit cards were invented by the banking industry to slowly fuck you over for years and years. Dig yourself out of that debt and never touch your credit card again. Your card’s 18% interest rate means that they’ll rake in $18 every time you spend $100 and don’t pay it back right away. That can add up quick, and banks have no moral qualms with fucking you until infinity.

Start an IRA Now
Do it. Right now. Savings accounts are great, but you can still get into them easily when the Nitro Club announces 2-for-1 Top-Shelf Thursdays. When you try to steal cash out of your IRA, the government gets to kick your wallet in the nuts. Just set up an auto-transfer from your bank account each month, cover yourself in glitter and act like you wasted that money on strippers in the first place.