If I adopt an older dog, is it mean if I rename it?

The rule is, if you’re the one feeding it, you can call it whatever you want. At least that’s what my dad always said. I went by “shit-weasel” until I was 12. 


What is your stance on guns?

Personally, I have no issue with guns. I grew up in Michigan and have a fair amount of white trash in me; we shot guns all the time. Although, not everyone should be allowed to own one. You ever see a public toilet seat? Most people are reckless and have horrible aim. Guns are like the Dave Matthews Band: They aren’t bad, it’s the people that are super into them that ruin it.


I have IBS and it often causes me to be extremely gassy. I’m embarrassed by it and don’t want to fart in front of my new boyfriend but we spend a lot of time together. Any ideas on what to do?

We used to smoke weed in my friend’s basement growing up. To not get caught, we would stuff dryer sheets into a TP tube and blow our smoke through it. We called it a “zube tube.” Try that! Stuff some dryer sheets around your b-hole and let’er rip! Then, he’ll associate you with “summer rain” rather than whiffing your rank dumper. 


My girlfriend has been working out a lot and now she’s ripped.  I can’t help but feel emasculated in some way. What do I do? 

Her body, her choice, fella. You can either start working out with her, or get used to the idea of her opening jars for you. I guess you could dump her and move out, but it sounds like you don’t have the strength to carry your furniture out of the apartment by yourself.


Is it safe to date right now?

Was it ever? There’s no real plan for COVID so I guess we’re just gonna treat it like HPV. If you don’t have it, hang tight… eventually… you will. 


My partner and I are thinking of buying one of those app-operated sex toys to play with in public. Any advice on where we should use it that wouldn’t be too obvious?

Yes! Use it in a voting booth November 3rd! 


Mike can be found every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works Downtown or on his new podcast “It’s a Blunderful Life.” Tweet @_aware_wolf or @roostermagazine with your most pressing queries about this thing we call life.


Mike Knows Best

This is a really bad time if you’re a bald, non-racist white guy that shaves his head.