Perhaps the biggest failure of modern technology is the dick pic.
Not because it's "gross" or "completely unsolicited" … but because people don't understand its awesome, panty-incinerating potential.
See, dick pics as we know them are a missed opportunity. Much like the printer and Skip-It, they have failed to evolve — they remain the same-old uninspiring, quotidian symbol of sensuality that they've always been: small columns of flesh taken from a size-enhancing angle with a camera that has the same amount of pixels as I do hands: two.
Given the human drive for improvement, this just doesn't make sense. Since the dawn of time, man has strived to better our world with progress and innovation, yet here we are, honoring the king of phallic symbology with poorly-lit dick pics taken while still boxer-clad.
Predictable. Bland. When I see these tried-and-true examples of manhood, I want to open my mouth really wide … to yawn.
Men don't understand that if they put a little effort — a little artistic flair, if you will — into their cock photography, then I would totally fuck them.
Why? Well, I can't tell if you have a personality from a five inch long flesh-colored tube dangling out of your Spongebob boxer-briefs.
I can, however, make a more informed decision about whether I'll let you near my reproductive zone if you take it one step farther.
Show me that inchworm in action. If you want me to look at, let alone drool over, your manhood, you better give me a reason to believe your cock-and-ball setup is worth it.
So, if you are going to send me dick pics, and you are, here are the ten kind of I will gladly accept:
Much like how American soldiers erected the American flag over the rubble of Iwo Jima, so too must your glorious cock be erected over the screen of my cellular device.
Italy is still on my to-do list, but if you send me the Peening tower of Penisa, maybe I can check it off early …
Ryan Lochte is literally just a penis with stupid hair and an expensive swimsuit. That’s all your penis needs to win a gold medal in my book.
4. Popular Memery
Kim Kardashian can serve champagne off her ass. Can you serve champagne off your balls? Let me know.
Want to go on a magical quest to find my clitoris? Well get ready to hit up Middle Earth with your Tolkein-themed dick. Maybe you’ll find my Nuva Ring in the fires of Mordor. Probably.
6. Putin On a Horse
This one's self-explanatory. Oil up those saggy pecs and throw on a silver cross necklace. Nothing can top a dick pic resembling a middle-aged tyrant resembling a dick.
7. Social Activism
Nothing gets me wet like a man who believes in a cause. So show me your Kaeperdick and let’s go picket a Trump rally.
Speaking of Satan, no one better proves that you don’t have to have a big dick to be a big dick quite as well as Donald Trump does. Use those tiny little fingers to make yourself seem like a bigger deal than you actually are.
9. Modest with Bucolic Sensibilities
Much like the pious pilgrims, prove to me that your penis can be Episcopalian-level modest … and Episcopalian-level freaky. Then I'll really let you sow my field with your … tractor? I don't know where I was going with that …
10. Honestly, Anything Hindenberg-Related
I just love explosions. I don’t just mean in the climax way, I mean literally exploding, with fire and everything. If my phone doesn’t melt in my hand like the Hindenberg, you did it wrong.