Be prepared to get an emergency broadcast on your phone tomorrow (1/20/21). WWIII might be about to start, and what better way to kick off Joe Biden’s presidency?
Even if you aren’t tied into the conspiracy threads of the internet, even if you only listen to main-stream media news and swallow the official narratives spoon fed to you by the government and their media puppets, you’re probably still aware: some seriously weird shit is about to go down tomorrow, on the inauguration of President Elect Joseph Biden.
It’s been all over the web, after all: rumors of all 50 state capitols being sieged by MAGA protesters; whispers of the start of America’s second Civil War; threats of terrorist attacks, false flags and riots across the country. The FBI is even screening all of the 25,000 National Guard troops deployed in Washington, out of fear of an “inside job.”
And most recently, allegedly, according to internet sources, deep conspiracy Reddit threads, and Twitter chitter-chatter (all, extremely reliable and trustworthy sources of information) Patriot missiles have been deployed all across Washington DC.
Why? To defend against another angry wave of Trump-adoring protesters? To foil any Proud Boy or Boogaloo Boi attempts at another insurrection?
Of course not. According to the digital grapevine, it’s not domestic threats that our military and government are worried about and preparing for, but an all-out Chinese missile offensive on American Soil: the Red Dawn of the CCP. The Chinese are going to strike hard and fast, firing these hidden missiles at specific targets, debilitating America’s power grid, perhaps even detonating an EMP over North America, casting darkness across the land. Without electricity, chaos will undoubtedly consume the country — madness will rear its ugly head as confusion and desperation consume our countrymen, as the first ripples of WWIII send our civilization rocking into an era of instability and decline.
For those who aren't familiar with the god-like America-protecting power of the Patriot Missile system: It's a Raytheon-deigned ground-to-air long-range, all-altitude, all-weather missile system that strikes fear into the hearts of all enemies of freedom. It's a communist-blasting, terrorist-obliterating, liberty-providing machine ndesigned to protect and defend — and they are not often deployed for "protests."
Naturally, none of this has been confirmed — not the patriot missile deployment, not the Chinese attack or even the hidden CCP missiles. All of this has only been vaguely alluded to on far-right, Trump-loving conspiracy-theory podcasts and websites, and then repeated on Reddit’s r/conspiracy and r/conspiracy_commons; echoed on Twitter and Facebook conspiracy groups, until it became more than unverified rumor — it became conjectural internet fact.
So start preparing: fill your gas tank, charge your external batteries, hit the grocery store, buy a bunch of candels and propane tanks, maybe buy a generator if you don’t already have one. Because tomorrow is going to be an exceptionally strange and unsettling day in America.
Or, it won’t and life will go on. Which, is really what we should all be hoping for.
Image courtesy of Google.
***(I hate that I need to write this disclaimer, because it should be obvious, but here goes: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE. Don’t be thick. If the Chinese launch a Red Dawn-style offensive tomorrow we will literally eat our own goddamned shoes— not that it will matter, because WWIII will actually be starting.)