What used to be a daily occurence is now a gut-churning reality …

Like most 20-something males, I have a hearty appetite for porn. It's a part of my life much of the way showering and flexing in the mirror is — a daily occurrence. There's more free and available porn now than ever before in the history of mankind, what kind of sex-shaming prude would I be if I didn’t take advantage of that? 

If I so choose, I can watch 5 different videos a day for the rest of my life and never see the same one twice. Though admittedly, I would never do that — I’ve grown to like some mainstays quite a lot. And while my love of porn is a reflection of the times and my honorably progressive sex-positive attitude, I’ve come to a crossroads that I hate to admit: I can no longer watch porn while I eat breakfast.

What used to be a common occurrence has fallen by the wayside. Now, I find something unsettling about watching a petite (and I’m sure very intelligent) girl take 10 inches of man at 8:00 a.m. Once upon a time, watching porn with breakfast was an early morning treat akin to eating dessert before dinner. But the joy is gone and has been replaced by shame.

What used to light a fire in my soul for a new day has become a burden on my psyche. I find myself asking what kind of monster watches porn with a bowl of Cap N’ Crunch on a Tuesday morning? You can imagine the horror when I determined that I was that monster. It's me.

So I recently pulled out of my morning porn’ing ritual when it began ruining a variety of otherwise delicious breakfast delicacies. Jelly doughnuts, for example, don’t taste so sweet when watching two sweaty bodies pounding into each other and spraying the camera with a variety of juices. As such, eggs and anal is always a bad combination and creamy fruit with yogurt bowls were tasting just a little too creamy for my liking. No one wants to dry heave while they enjoy breakfast, and I was rapidly nearing that sad milestone.

Perhaps I’ve just grown up a bit and I’m no longer the hyper-sexual freak I was just last week. Or maybe I was eating all the wrong breakfast foods. I’m not sure. But I do know for certain that I will miss those solitary mornings with a cup of coffee and the Pornhub homepage.

I guess in the end, I’m happy knowing are two other daily meals that I can still enjoy. Because there’s really nothing wrong with a roast-beef sandwich and porn pairing, amiright?