Don't stress yourself out this holiday season simply because your shopping skills are below average. Maintain your dignity by heeding our advice and sticking to our 2013 Gift Guide. It's got everything you need to give like a champion, including what to splurge on and what to avoid. Oh, BTW, Santa isn't real.

Don't stress yourself out this holiday season simply because your shopping skills are below average. Maintain your dignity by heeding our advice and sticking to our 2013 Gift Guide. It's got everything you need to give like a champion, including what to splurge on and what to avoid. Oh, BTW, Santa isn't real.

BUY THIS: Mobile Blastmaster Towable Speaker $4,000

Roll up to any party in style and class with the Blastmaster towable speaker. This nightmare for neighbors provides a 2,000-watt assault on anyone’s deep-sleep pattern, guaranteeing the two mids, eight tweeters and 12-inch, dual-coil subwoofer will bring the party — and possibly the police. The 20-hours battery should provide just enough time to lose your dignity and take over the world. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Single-Handed Barber $59.95

The do-it-yourself haircut has cheap written all over it. Have Floyd’s 99, Supercuts, Great Clips and the other plethora of Paul Mitchell spawn so surpassed your buddy’s budget for haircuts that he’s simply moved on to buzz cuts? Let your friend do what he does best with that one hand, and splurge on something better. Buy here.

BUY THIS: Envelope X-Ray Spray $13.98

Sure this product violates federal laws but indulges your ghoulish vices by cracking every confidential seal in existence. Top secret? Not any more. Boss’ list of fired employees? Ammo for blackmail. Girlfriend’s letter from Italian foreign lover she met on study abroad? Explains why she yells out Mario. The spray temporarily turns the envelope transparent, leaving zero trace and proving once and for all that privacy is overrated. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Shittens $14.99

We debated over whether this should be an ultimate gift or worst gift until finally settling on worst gift. If the receiver of this gift is unable to wipe his ass and therefore needs plenty of toilet surface area and multiple finger action, you should consider finding a friend who isn’t 12 years old. If you really want to get him a gift, make it a spray bottle. Buy here:

BUY THIS: Agloves Texting Gloves $8.97-$15.99

In the freezing dead of winter, there's nothing worse than trying to sext "I wanna get all up in you all night long, girl" through your gloves…and then taking your gloves off only to have your hands succumb to instant frostbite. That's where Agloves come in. They keep your hands warm and cozy, and they're made of a magical fiber that allows you to text or operate a touchscreen without taking them off. Your sex life is saved. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Sushi Bazooka $79.99

The sushi bazooka makes sense. Go to the store, purchase expensive amounts of fish, vegetables and other delicious edibles, shove them in a tube, and then slowly squeeze them out into a conglomerated mess the color of which your dog craps after having too much people food. Don’t show your true cultural shortcomings by giving the sushi bazooka. Give a sushi set instead. Buy here.

BUY THIS: Pure Fix Cycles $399

Live to get hit another day on this glow-in-the-dark, fixed-gear bike called The Kilo. Sadly, the glow isn’t from enriched uranium. The paint on the bike is solar activated, meaning in layman’s terms if you leave the bike in the sunlight for an hour, you can experience an hour of nighttime glow. They said the same thing about our blow-up doll, but she just melted. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Bloodbath Shower Gel $8.99

If you’ve been stalking the person for two-months and the gift prior to this was a picture of his living room from the outside, then yes, this is the perfect gift. Blood gifts are normally reserved for transplants miracles, emergency situations and Angelina Jolie’s earlier marriages. Save the diabolical humor for your cousin’s bar mitzvah, and instead focus on starting small with cookies or fruit cake. Buy here.

BUY THIS: Rumpl $89.99-$109.99

Half performance sleeping bag, half casual bedding, this high-tech blanket gives you all the warmth and durability of an outdoor product, with the softness, comfort, and practicality of something Martha Stewart would have on her (prison?) bed. It's rip-proof, stain proof, and has a DWR coating that prevents bacteria and odor from building up. It's made of down, but is totally washable. Perfect for camping or a romantic night in (this is where the stain resistance comes in), it'll make all your wildest blanket dreams come true. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Instaglasses (Price TBD)

That’s just what the world needs, more Instagram food shots depicting someone’s epic lifestyle devouring fourth meal at Taco Bell. Bag the Instagram sunglasses because they will only serve to temporarily bolster the delicate self-esteem of wannabe Annie Leibovitzes. (Not available yet…because they suck). 

BUY THIS: Wild Man Beard Conditioner $19.95

So you want to look like a real manly man with a big ol' manly beard. Well there's nothing more manly than having smooth, soft skin to accompany your imposing face brush. Just a few drops of this beard conditioner, and you're on your way to a thicker, softer, and cleaner beard that'll grow in healthier and leave your skin refreshed and blemish-free. Did we mention it contains lavender, which can act as an aphrodisiac? Not that you need it, your luscious beard clearly spells "testosterone machine" to lovely ladies. Smells distinctly manly. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Soda Can Bug Screen $3.59

If you plan on letting down your family, friends, two cats and turtle, we suggest you give them all Soda Can Bug Screens. Combining the fact that the total number of times a bug has flown into your soda can is once, and that the protruding rubber mouth piece feels like a sick dominatrix instrument, this product is worthless. Buy here.

BUY THIS: HUF Weed Socks $12.00

The only time it's acceptable to give someone socks is when they're the HUF Plantlife Socks. We're sure you can use those two eyes your momma and evolution gave you to see why. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Likebook $11.00

Ever think your Facebook wall would make for an entertaining and enthralling non-fiction hardcover book? Neither did we. But Likebook seems to think so and is therefore offering to convert your entire posting career of bipolar egocentric content into print just in case anyone in your family needs material for the intervention. Ironically, they probably should have seen the impending doom when they read your status update of “Drunk for the fifth consecutive day and loving it. #Partyanimal.” Buy here.

BUY THIS: The Float Table $2,000

One of coolest pieces of décor we’ve seen, the Float Table from RockPaperRobot took classical physics and applied it to modern design. Each “magnetized” wooden cube compiles a matrix by levitating with respect to another. To maintain functionality, the repelling cubes are held in equilibrium by steel cables. Add pressure, and the cubes deform and stabilize. Dump your beer on it, and you just stained your $2,000 coffee table. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Russian Roulette Pipe $55.00

What's more fun than loading up a bowl with your friends, excitedly anticipating the cool high and all the fun you'll have, only to find that there's only a 1 in 6 chance that you'll actually smoke the weed that's in your pipe? We'll tell you. Burning your little fingers on the pipe once you light a potentially empty bowl because the entire thing is made of metal and will super-heat itself into a dangerous skin-melting weapon. Buy here.

BUY THIS: Poler x Stumptown Camp Coffee Kit $125.00

Stumptown coffee is the most delicious coffee on this goddamn planet. That's why we were so excited to see that they've paired up with camping pros Poler to make this camping coffee kit. This kit has everything you need to make the perfect freshly-ground cup of coffee in the great outdoors, whether you're glamping at a music festival, or just homeless and need some serious caffeine. Includes delicious coffee, grinder, Aeropress brewer, 2 mugs, filters, a filter stand, funnels, a scoop, a stir paddle, and a custom bag. Buy here.

NOT THIS: Carstache $34.99-$39.99

Have you seen these traipsing around town recently? They're everywhere. And news flash, they're not really that ironic. While it's occasionally funny to put a mustache on something that shouldn't usually have one (like a baby or a penis), this takes that trend far past "funny" into "meh" real fast. Think about what it would be like if someone gave you one of these. "Oh, you got me a mustache for my car? Cool, let me just clear a space in my attic for where it can sit for the rest of my adult life." Buy here.

BUY THIS: Hail Peyton T-Shirt $20.00

Do we really have to convince you why this is awesome? Buy here.

NOT THIS: Customizable Nic Cage Pillow $15.99

Nic Cage is haunting and traumatizing enough when he's just a little pixel-man on your TV screen. There's no reason he should be in your bed, no matter how lonely you are, or how cute he was 20 years ago. Ain't nobody got time for no Nic Cage nightmares. Buy here. 

BUY THIS:  ArKeg $3999.99

We guarantee you’ll never have another date nor the morning shakes again with the all-in-one game system and keg-o-rator called the ArKeg. This gift from God allows you to select and play 51 pre-loaded games (other game packages available) while sipping on a frosty beer from the tap located on the side. The price is steep, but did Moses ask the price when he split the Red Sea? We didn’t think so. Spend your life's savings here.