Is the guillotine really the most "Mainer" way to publicly execute criminals? Here's our suggestions …
Throughout America, the heroin epidemic is becoming an increasingly dire situation. Deaths from related overdoses have more than tripled since 2010, and New England states have been some of the worst affected. In New Hampshire specifically, heroin usage increased 76 percent from 2013 to 2014 — and there were at least 385 opoid related deaths in the state.
This has lawmakers less than stoked, and they have been doing all they can to combat the influx of junk. But opening more treatment facilities does nothing to limit the supply of heroin. So what can be done to stop this dope trend? The Governor of Maine, Paul LePage, thinks he has the solution: Publicly decapitate all convicted drug traffickers.
On Tuesday, Governor LePage said, “What I think we ought to do is bring the guillotine back. We could have public executions and have, you know, guess which hole it falls in.”
What an amazing idea Governor LePage! Public executions were the coolest shit back in the 17th century. But is the guillotine really the most "Mainer" way to publicly execute criminals? Sure, Maine has a large French-Canadian population, but they could certainly think of a more Maine way of killing people. Here are some of our suggestions.
Keelhauling is the process of pulling someone behind a speeding boat until they either drown or are ripped apart by sea monsters. Sounds like the perfect execution strategy to use in Maine because the state is proud of its rich coastal heritage and is widely regarded as having some of the best seafood in the world. So why not use some of your Mainer heritage, Governor LePage, and kill drug traffickers out at sea?
Scaphism was a not so sweet execution technique once used by the Persians that involves tying a person into a rowboat in the middle of a lake, force-feeding them milk and honey and then covering their bodies with the same mixture of milk and honey.
By force-feeding them copious amounts of milk and honey, the convicted would eventually get horrific diarrhea. They would then shit themselves for days on end. This, combined with the milk and honey that already filled the boat, would attract hordes of insects. Over the course of the next few days, insects would use the body of the convicted as a floating fuck shack. The bugs would endlessly bite the victim and even lay eggs inside the wounds. Eventually the criminal would die from a combination of starvation, dehydration and contracting gangrene from the burrowing insects. Absolutely brutal.
You may be familiar with the Brazen Bull — a torture device used in ancient Greece in which victims were locked inside a hollow bull sculpted out of bronze only to be roasted to death once a fire was lit under the bull.
Greeks were excellent craftsman and designed the bull so that the screams inside the bull were directed out its mouth thus mimicking the grunts of a bull. It was the hottest way to execute someone back in ancient Greece.
Unfortunately, the Brazen Bull has to be one of the most famous execution techniques of all time. It wouldn’t be fair for Maine to swagger-jack the Greeks and use a bull for their executions of drug dealers. Rather, they should use the most Maine thing ever: the moose! By using a bronze moose they would be paying homage to Maine’s official state animal. Plus, you could fit multiple heroin peddlers in the moose at a time. Which would help to accurately recreate the signature sounds of a Moose in rut, which can be heard up to a mile away.
Maine is the most densely forested state in the country and was once home to the largest logging operation in America. Even to this day, Maine is home to massive logging operations. Anyone remember the show American Loggers? That took place in Maine. What better way to celebrate a history of cutting down trees than by cutting down the efforts of drug dealers by sawing them in half in a public ceremony?
Historically sawing executions involved hanging a person upside-down and using a two-man saw to cut the person in half from their crotch down to their head. By using a two-man saw the state of Maine would be illustrating that they have a bi-partisan means of combating the growing drug problem. If Maine enacted sawing executions they could come up with a sweet catchphrase like, “We cut out the drug problem.”