Despite the Machiavellian caveat, all that matters right now is that you know it's Free Burrito Day at Chipotle.
We won't take up too much of your time with this announcement, but we thought that every man, woman and child (that includes you, Greg) should know that it's Free Burrito Day at Chipotle.
… Except it's not.
This year, Chipotle is virtually glove-slapping all of your with its weird mutilation on the holy tradition of Free Burrito Day. See, to get the free burrito you're entitled to, you must first make the purchase of a … are you sitting down? … Sofritas burrito.
Yes, hunting men and carnivorous post-apes, that means you have to buy tofu.
If you buy a Sofritas burrito today, on what's confusingly called Free Burrito Day, they'll gift you with a special receipt that you can use for a free menu item at a later date.
Bring your receipt back between January 27-February 28 and you can have whatever you want, for free, except for the part where you paid for it by exchanging cash for tofu.
Chipotle is doing this to you because they want everyone to know that they now offer vegan/vegetarian options. They've got a No Vegetarian Left Behind kind of attitude.
Good thing the Sofritas are actually kinda very incredibly tasty. Let's just say that if you get one today, you'll probably like it, and before you know it, you'll be converting it into stored fat that'll never go away, just like you would with any meat-based option.
But in the event you can't stomach Sofritas, the tofu burritos also makes a great last minute birthday present, pillow, or football.
And now, for your enjoyment, here are a collection of memes we chose to include in this piece before we knew about Sofrita-gate. Do with them what you will.