It's all thanks to "Bloody Marys," a new line of underwear featuring the faces of anti-abortion politicians in the crotch.
Over the past few years, conservative legislators have passed nearly 300 laws restricting or abolishing abortion. This has forced approximately 162 abortion providers to either close down or submit to the often humiliating and bizarre new regulations—such as forcing women to pay for fetus funerals or requiring doctors to tell underage patients' parents, incorrectly, that abortion will increase their risk of contracting breast cancer.
It's clear that certain politicians are dying to be in women's uteri, regulating and laying down the law on the molecular level. So, Washington-based underwear maker Cute Fruit Undies decided to make that process as easy for them as possible by creating specialized period panties adorned with pro-life politician's faces right in the crotch. They're called … drumroll please … Bloody Marys.
Each anti-abortion candidate featured in the menstrual panties is lovingly referred to as "blood dumpsters," the point of which being so that, as Cute Fruit founder Sarah Palatnik says, you can "BLEED ALL OVER 'EM!"
"I think it's just so powerful to take that thing [anti-abortion politicians] are trying so hard to oppress, and also to take something that we, as a society, consider shameful and give it some power—just bleed on these guys' faces," Palatnik told Broadly.
In other words, if someone is so obsessed with your uterus that they're willing to shell out time and money to make it act a certain way, then you might as well show your gratitude for their attention by spewing some discarded uterine lining on them.
Currently, Cute Fruit offers nine delicious varieties of Bloody Marys for you to choose from. These include abortion's biggest opponent Ted Cruz, who is vehemently anti-Planned Parenthood and voted to defund them despite the fact that they offer hundreds of other non-abortion services such as STD testing and cancer screening; Donald Trump, who attacked Megyn Kelley with some misogynisitc bullshit about having a period; and Sarah Palin, who is personally opposed to abortion even in cases of rape or incest.
Palatnik donates $3 from each sale to a Planned Parenthood located in the state affected by each chosen politician. With Trump, who constitutes a special situation because he does not govern anywhere, she donates to the Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
Predictably, Trump is by far the bestselling recipient of menstrual offerings, although Palatnik told Broadly that "there have been a lot of comments from people who like the idea but don't want Donald Trump's face near their vagina." Totally understandable.
"I knew this wasn't going to be a product that everyone was going to get on board with," she said cheerfully.
But apart from the obvious benefit of being nice places to shed unfertilized uterine tissue, the underwear are also a practical marvel in their own right. They're high-waisted with attachable heat pads to "to keep your hands free and body happy when you have cramps," something Palatnik compares to the sensation of "getting hugged by a cat." YES. Nothing beats cramps like interspecies cuddling. They're also equipped with reinforced, absorbent crotches so you can super-soak them if need be without worrying about staining.
However, there's one caveat: no dark fabrics. This is a purposeful play on Palatnik's part.
"The blood, in this case, is supposed to be visible. It's supposed to be on these guys' faces," she said.
So kids, don't let that precious period go to waste: choose Bloody Marys and donate it to the politician that most wants to be its overlord. You'll be happy you did.
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