A Japanese hero-lady known as the "Boob Goddess" has created a specialized rake-thing that she claims will achieve the near-impossible task of both firming and enlarging your titties.

A Japanese hero-lady known as the "Boob Goddess" has created a specialized rake-thing that she claims will achieve the near-impossible task of both firming and enlarging your titties.

Her name is Takiko Shindo and she's known for "Oppai Taisou," which is Japanese for "boob exercise massage." Its a … jiggly massage given by an apathetic older lady that is supposed turn A cups into whatever cup you can think of that's huge. That's her bread and butter, for tiny tits who can't see her in person, she's invented a boob-rake shaped like her hand so ladies can increase their square boobage at home. 

You just stroke your breasts with it, like so:

And for between $41 and $54, it could be yours!  A commercial suggests it can increase a woman's bust by three whole centimeters. That's enough to take you from frump-town to doted-on gold digger in no time.

Wait … Did someone say commercial? Look what we happen to have!

The so-called "science" of melon massage, according to Shindo, is that ligaments holding up breasts need to move around. Otherwise fats in the same area settle down around the chest muscles, and causes breasts to sag and shrink.

Not surprisingly, that's complete crap.

"There are ligaments in breast tissue that stretch over time," board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Barry Handler told HuffPost. "But once they stretch, they don't snap back. Ligaments aren't like muscles — there's no contractible property."

But there is actually a small shred of scientific legitimacy that comes with the device.

According to the affably named gynecologist, Dr. Bruce Lee, "Usage of the breast rake upon oneself actually does accomplish several things that theoretically could alter the perception of breast size and shape. When holding the rake in the right hand and massaging and lifting the left breast, one is actually exercising the right pectoral muscles, which lie beneath the breast."

Noice.

Ah, man. This one's gonna be hard to tell Santa about.