The humble mirror tells no lies and hides no secrets … but this weird-ass Minority Report-esque mirror can tell when you’re drunk and need to call it a night.

The humble mirror tells no lies and hides no secrets … but this weird-ass Minority Report-esque mirror can tell when you’re drunk and need to call it a night.

The new, smart Wize-Mirror looks just like a regular household mirror, but incorporates 3D scanners and multispectral cameras to calculate the health and long-term risks of the user. Quietly examining a person’s fatty tissue, facial expressions, how flushed or pale they are, a set of algorithms and error codes determining just what that Mystic Tan hue foretells.

The device is able to track changes to a person’s health by monitoring cholesterol deposits in the skin, heart rate, and oxygen levels, as well as contour scans which is cold scientific etiquette for staring at your jowls, saddle bags and Bingo Wings.

All the while, gas sensors take samples of the user’s breath looking for composite evidence that gives an indication of how much they drink or smoke. Always with the judging.

The Mirror even allows you to share your health status via social media which means you can race your frienemies on Facebook to see who is on pace to look like the jowl-iest, smoldering, cholesterol-deposited, cancer-bag first. And you thought Farmville was obnoxious.

It makes sense, this Wize Mirror business. Many scientists believe the first person to live to be 150 has already been born, or if we’re going by weirdo biomedical gerontologist, Aubrey de Grey, the first person to live to be 1,000 will soon be walking amongst us. With that said, we could all use a little health nudge in the right direction, especially if we plan on having that Beach Bod ready for Panama City by 2165.

The Wize Mirror was designed for use in public areas such as workplaces and schools … but also for personal use in the homes of Brookstone Elite Members already bored with their iPhone cufflinks and Solafeet Foot Tanners.

It's the wave of the future, and it's a future we can see it already:  It’s the morning after a casual Man-mosa turned day-drunk turned case-race marathon, ending with 5:23AM desperation Google History searches for ’24-hour Pizza Delivery.' Brushing our teeth over the sink, the hangover symptoms start coming down the pipe, starting firstly with that strange, baseless, feeling of impending doom.  All the while, the smart mirror’s 3D scanners, multispectral cameras ‘measure the our general health level’.

The night before comes back in waves. The late-night booty call to ‘BETH FROM CHIPOTLE.' Queuing the bed frame, feet to the headboard for optimal performance, Beth angles the Wize-Mirror towards the bed for perspective sake. Why, Beth, why?

The carnal act of pure booze-kindled desire now under observation. Animals in captivity. Was she past peak-fertility, were we?

Thanks to the Wize Mirror, we are now more self-conscious than ever of the possibility of Low T, the flab of my pectorals (dare I say supple?), the state of my perineum, cardiovascular health, second-guessing my choice in bicycle seat, 2% milk, the Fresco Menu as a whole.

Of course, in light of various high-level hacks and the rampant disclosure of personal data, one must question the risk associated with a web-connected mirror, especially one that's alble to record personal health data. In that sense, the Wize Mirror just brings us one step closer to the possible release of an individual’s potential health status or, more importantly, the leak of your less-than-racy, Beth Wize-Mirror sesh. For many, it may sound like an Orwellian step over the edge.

The initial project is not due for completion until late 2016, followed by extensive clinical trials. It will be years before the technology becomes widely available, but in the meantime, now could be a good moment to remove that booze-fueled sexcapade from the hard-drive with a sledge-hammer and then maybe microwave the scraps and incinerate the remains.