Juggalos in Oregon have been handing out threating posters to new, hipster businesses in North Portland. The escalating turf war is getting us all excited. While we could tell you about how gentrification inspired those "down with the clown" to tell the Hipsters to “get the fuck out, or suck our dicks,” we’re going to spend this time figuring out who would would win this subculture smackdown. Make your bets people, this shit’s about to get real.

Juggalos in Oregon have been handing out threating posters to new, hipster businesses in North Portland. The escalating turf war is getting us all excited. While we could tell you about how gentrification inspired those "down with the clown" to tell the Hipsters to “get the fuck out, or suck our dicks,” we’re going to spend this time figuring out who would would win this subculture smackdown. Make your bets people, this shit’s about to get real.

 

The Venu: North Portland

North Portland used to be a scrubby neighborhood until the hipsters sunk their straight, white teeth in. Their trendy virus spread like the Spanish Flu resulting in breweries, boutiques and increased property values. Longtime residents scooted out, ushering in a wave of Hipsters unlike this city has ever seen before.

The Players

Juggalos
What is a Juggalo, we don’t know. The government classifies them as a gang, they call themselves a family. All we can really surmise is that they’re a group of people tightly held together by the Insane Clown Posse. They travel in groups, wear clown makeup when the occasion calls, and are fans of weed and a sloppy dye job. You’ll find them laughing loudly on the street and shouting obscenities at a passerby who stares too long.

Hipsters
What is a Hipster, we can’t quite put our fingers on it. Wikipedia calls them a subculture that, “typically consists of white millennials living in urban neighborhoods.” They’re most often young people who wear old-people clothes and consume only things artisanal, with the exception of PBR. They travel in small groups, pay much attention to their mustaches and enjoy books and music from authors and musicians you haven’t heard of yet. They can be found huddled in trendy coffee shops, loudly discussing vegan vs. localvore lifestyles.

The Smackdown

Battle Gear:

Juggalos 

Juggalos wear whatever the fuck they want. Mostly cargo pants or shorts and an ICP shirt. Bandanas are ever present and not only keep cornrows in place, but can also be whipped off and used as a mask to evade the authorities. Juggalettes love lingerie and have no problem wandering around naked. A Juggalette will not think twice about knocking a hipster, or anyone for that matter, out cold with her big-ol-titty. Their baggy, makeup-stained clothes and "I don't give a fuck" attitude certainly gives them an advantage in this subculture battle. 

Hipsters 

A Hipster's best friends are skinny jeans and scarves. They also like fedoras and Buddy Holly glasses. Their sharp, sturdy, vintage boots will stomp the fuck out of some Juggalo face, and so will their natural, grass-fed leather satchels that are often carried by either gender. Female Hipsters wear grandma dresses or mom jeans, both are very tight fitting and coupled with the tight flannel and skinny pants the men wear, they're going to have a hard time fighting off their opponents. Those scarves though, will come in handy when the Juggalos get too close. They can be used as a strangling device, or to wipe the ICP makeup from their bright, red lips. 

Winner: Juggalo – Comfortable clothes and the wherewithal to titty slap a bitch wins every time. 

Fuel

Juggalos 

A Juggalo's diet consists mainly of Faygo and potato chips. This diet provides short term energy in the form of sugar highs and earth-shaking belches. Unfortunately the empty calories and adjoining sugar addiction keeps Juggalos hungry all the time, and in ravenous search of more corn syrup and trans fat. This diet may slow them down, but their sporadic bursts of energy may be what it takes to take out the Hipsters. 

Hipsters 

Hipsters will eat anything so long as it is locally sourced and sang to while being prepared. Their variety of food offers real sustenance, so they're primed and ready to go all day. They also drink an enormous amount of coffee and that gives them an extra boost of energy that they're going to need if they're going toe-to-toe with the Juggalos. 

Winner : Hipsters – Real food and copious amounts of locally roasted coffee leaves chips and Faygo at the starting line. When the Juggalos are napping, the hipsters will be plotting their next move. 

Transportation

Juggalo

Juggalos travel in packs, and when they're not hoofing in through the rough-and-tumble streets of North Portland, they're packing in a party bus destined for The Gathering. Their ability to mobilize and move quickly in numbers makes them well suited to win a battle against the Hipsters. Not to mention, they're always wearing comfortable shoes. If they need to walk to the next site of battle there'll be no complaining. 

Hipster

Hipster's preferred mode of transportation is the bike. However, in a battle setting this is going to be a bit tricky. You see, Hipsters ride bikes but they're normally by themselves. If you get too many Hipsters on a bike ride together it spontaneously disbands because too many people know about it. Bikes are also problematic for Hipsters because they're constantly ensuring their ride is out of the mainstream and many old-fashioned bikes are ill suited for the mean streets of North Portland. 

Winner : Juggalos – There is power in numbers. A bus load of insane clowns would send the 10 Hipsters who show up to the battle running scared, as if all the mustache wax in the world had magically disappeared.  

Weapons

Juggalo

The hatchet is obviously the weapon of choice for the Juggalo. They get tattoos of this mini ax and teach their children songs about it. Better watch out Hipsters, your ethically traded chain mail scarves are going to be no match for these "ninja" toys. 

Hipster

Hipsters infallible weapon is the blog. They'll sit down and write about what's going on in their snarky hipster speak garnering as much attention as possible. They won't act like they care if you read it, but with their overwhelming knowledge of all social media their cause will be trending in about two minutes. 

Winner: Hipsters – Unfortunately for the Juggalos, the Hipster's reach is just too far. They'll call national attention to the cause and before you know it, there will be a Kickstarter campaign raising money for more blogs and farm-to-table provisions for the Hipsters. They'll get the government on the "gang's"  back and each and every one will get locked up for some reason.  

Reinforcements

Juggalo

Juggalo babies are no joke. They've been raised on Faygo and normal to them is seeing topless women in clown make up. They get carted around in old strollers all over town, and their first words are often, "fuck"  or "titties." They'll push a kid over just for looking at them, and you better not get anywhere near their naked mom because they will tear your heart out. 

Hipster

Hipster babies are a breed of their own. They're fully aware of where every goldfish in their snack box was sourced from and hand knitted their own scarf, but they're manipulative as fuck and know how to use an iPhone better than you ever could. Their tech savvy and ability to talk to adults could put them over the edge. 

Winner: Juggalo – Juggalo babies will push over and stomp on the cell phone of a Hipster baby before they can tweet for help. Once the Hipster babies learn how to DIY mace, they may stand a chance, but we have a feeling Juggalo babies are resistant to that as well. 

Secret Weapon

Juggalo

Most Juggalos are actually superheroes in disguise. 

Hipster

Most superheroes are acutally Hipsters in disguise. 

Winner: Tie – If Juggalos are superheroes, and superheroes are Hipsters are Juggalos Hipsters asking for a blow job?

 

Winner of the battle
It's hard to say what will happen in Portland but our money is on the Juggalos. Their brute force, disregard for authority and bras make us feel like they'll eventually get rid of the hipsters in their hood or get a trendy-as-fuck dick sucking. But the battle will be hard fought. The hipsters won't give up without a fight, they've got their claws in that slice of Portland and, if history serves as a basis of comparison, they won't be going anywhere until the mainstream starts trickling through.