Airplane technologists are currently working on a window-less aircraft that would replace heavy passenger windows with uber-light smartscreen panels to cut fuel consumption, slash air fares, and undo the years of therapy it took to move you past your fear of flying! Because that's right, although these planes look futuristically charming, they're really just flying mind-control death traps. All aboard!

Airplane technologists are currently working on a window-less aircraft that would replace heavy passenger windows with uber-light smartscreen panels to cut fuel consumption, slash air fares, and undo the years of therapy it took to move you past your fear of flying! Because that's right, although these planes look futuristically charming, they're really just flying mind-control death traps. All aboard!

The early-stage concept for the window-less plane is based on technology used in mobile phones and televisions. But the real ambition in replacing windows with these panels is that they'd reduce aircraft weight, thereby cutting fuel consumption and bringing down airfares. According to the CPI, the company making the panels, every 1% reduction in the weight of an aircraft equals a 0.75% saving of fuel. How nice!

But the reduction in weight and fuel usage isn't really about passenger comfort, is it? No, darling, but you can expect that it'll be advertised to you as so.

The advertising images will have passengers so delighted and relaxed in their puffy cloud-scape that they don't even notice the toddler screaming bloody murder, the excruciating dislocation of their elbow after the a wayward beverage card shatters it, or that the cabin pressure has dropped to an alarming level.  It'll all be so magical that the nauseating coffee breath and odor of Ebola will escape their conscious, making them ever so much easier to control. It's like taking a nice, big Xanax.

Back to the panels. The floor-to-ceiling smartscreen panels have a few, well-intended functions. First, they would allow passengers to see what’s going on outside. Second, they'd act like tablet computers, allowing passengers to check their email and surf the internet. Passengers would be able to switch the outdoor view on and off according to their preference for death-defying height and speed, identify prominent sights like the plane hurtling toward them on a misguided flight plan, and Facebook that they were going to die, all on these simple, wonderful panels.

That is until the plane starts flying through a storm at 500 m.p.h. That's when the backup tape kicks in. The one that shows fluffy white clouds passing by in the daytime. The one that tricks your brain into thinking it's day, fucking up your circadian rhythms and catapulting you into a week of jet-lagged insomnia.

Smaller versions of these panels could also be installed on the backs of seats so people in the middle and aisle seats don't get shafted from the wonder of the panel experience. However, according to model images of these window-less planes, people in the window seats seem to get to have the most fun.

  … At least until they open up their email on their giant, window-seat panel thingy and click on an email called "EnLaRGE UR PeNis @@ BIG TIME" for everyone to see. We hope we're sitting behind that guy.

So when will you be able to ride in one of these bastard airplanes? Don't hold your breath. They won't be available for another 10 years or so, and that's if someone doesn't invent teleportation first solely to avoid having to ride in one.

We just hope that the boarding process for these windowless planes includes an optional tranquilizer shot to the jugular! Yay technology!