You're over Playboy. You've seen every video on YouPorn. You've seen Big Booty Hoes Vol. 14 so many times you've memorized the god-awful dialogue. Your vibrator calls, but you don't pick up. At this point, even your own weird fantasies seem like a broken record playing a shit song, and your mind can't even come up with something new and fun to masturbate to.
But wait, what's that lurking in the deepest, darkest corners of your Kindle? That's right, it's dinosaur erotica, and you can get it on Amazon.
With such titles as "Taken by the T-Rex," "Taken by the Pterodactyl," and "Running From the Raptor," there's enough prehistoric porn to get your juices flowing until the end of the Cenozoic Era.
Two people write this smut, and they're called Christine Sims and Alara Branwen. Sims describes herself as a "Plain old Midwestern girl with lusty thoughts of big, strong powerful monsters having their way with beautiful maidens." Branwen says many of the storys are based on her "personal desires and experiences." She must be really old.
So you're sitting there, all like, where's the action, Rooster? We'll it's right here, you little impatient bastard, on Christie and Alara's Amazon page. This is a passage from "In the Velociraptor's Nest."
She wasn't sure if her sudden arousal was because of her earlier thwarted climax in the cool stream, or if she was just desperate for one last pleasant sensation before being torn limb from limb by the great, scaly beast. Either way, Azog relished the rasp of its tongue, hot and rough, on her sensitive skin.
Who the fuck is Azog?
Azog is an underappreciated cavewoman in her tribe. The cavemen treat her like a piece a meat. They force her legs open and do as they please to her. Azog cannot even resist unless she proves herself as a hunter. When she goes out in search of fresh meat, she discovers a clutch of baby velociraptors and decides to kill them and triumphantly bring them back to her tribe. That is, until their father shows up and blocks Azog’s way out of the cave. Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave, which includes doing things she had never dreamed of.
Yeah, take that, RedTube/ Rabbit with dying batteries!
Shit, did we mention these are books?!
Unlike your pizza delivery person fantasy that strangely came to life last week, this is one fantasy that will never become a reality. But we guarantee you can't find it on YouPorn, and hey, that's what we're here for.