Saving you money on food so you can spend it on booze.
The Double Decker Pizza Quesadilla
Bringing the best of both stoner worlds together.
- 2 four-week old, 10-inch semi-soft tortillas
- 1/3 cup crusty spaghetti sauce
- 1 pruny roma tomato
- 1 appropriated green olive (from the unsuspecting roommate who will never find out)
- 1/4 stick butter
- 1 sprouting red onion that was cored and continues to grow on the windowsill
- Bunch of different cheeses.
First, butter one side of each tortilla. Over med-hi, fry one in a skillet until crispy, then remove it from the skillet. By now the pan has mysteriously become hotter than hell, so turn the heat back a bit.
Begin frying the second tortilla, and while it’s in a controlled-burn state, add the more stubborn vegetative victuals, such as broccoli, green peppers, onions, or peanut shells and potato peels, depending on your financial situation.
While you're at it, throw a little cheese on there, say some of the shredded cheddar in the fridge that isn’t moldy, but has that suspect, white, powdery look. Then, toss the other tortilla on top, crispy-side up.
Set the oven to broil, and because the upper heating elements offer a fantastic way to scar your hands for life, take this opportunity to raise the rack inside to its highest level. Then, throw on the tomato slices, or the whole thing if you want to be stupid, the spaghetti sauce, more cheese, a green-looking spice or two, and toss this beast into the oven, on the top rack, of course, for three to seven minutes or until the cheese is melted.
Remember this shit is hot when it first comes out, so be careful not to remove a layer of skin from your developed palate with the first bite.
The Bacon Cinnamon Cream Cheese French Toast Breakfast Sandwich
The morning-after sandwich of champions.
- 2 ergot-free slices of bread, as it makes for a shorter, slightly less-lethal trip
- 1.37 eggs (for the karma)
- 1/2 stick butter
- Large portion bacon, bacon bits, ham, processed ham, deviled ham, Spam, Fleet or bologna
- Minimal amounts of spices, such as cinnamon or amaretto liqueur
- Drizzle of brown sugar or maple syrup
- 1/4 bar of cream cheese, or if you have empty containers of old sour cream and cottage cheese, scrape off the rims and mix with free coffee creamer from the gas station
Preheat the oven and cook the bacon at 400 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. This reduces the likelihood that you will inadvertently learn the difference between the word trichinosis and tryptamine.
During this time, make the French toast, or google how to make french toast.
Microwave the cream cheese for 15 to 25 seconds, and stir in the cinnamon and maple syrup or crack sweetener. Let cool by playing some Albert King nearby or refrigerating.
Magically, the French toast should be ready just as the bacon begins to signal from the oven that it’s at a healthy, crispy loveliness. Remove the bacon, dabbing the grease with a paper towel.
Slather cream cheese on both slices of toast, and pile on the bacon as if heart disease will have a cure in the next 10 years. Then, proceed to have a mouthgasm.
The Mac and Slim Jim Omelet
Snap into a coronary!
- 1 box of mac and cheese, which may require milk and butter depending on its degree of processing and whether or not it originally came from the Dollar Tree.
- 2 eggs, and if you’re wondering why the eggs keep showing up in the recipes its because they are mega cheap, last forever and the egg shells can be mixed with apple cider vinegar to create a great unguent/emollient for minor skin irritations.
- 1/4 teaspoon of allegory in hopes that at least someone learns something through this subterfuge.
- 1 or 2 small “The Macho Man” Randy Savage vintage Slim Jims if available. Otherwise, regular Slim Jims will suffice.
- Optional: 1 tomato or other non-soul-bearing organism such as green onions to break up the arterial plaque.
Luckily, you have the crafty wisdom of the mac and cheese box to help with cooking it, only it’s highly recommended that you save half of the noodles for the raccoons you may need to kill, use most of the recommended butter and milk, and use all of the cheese powder, because that’s where all of the vitamins are.
While the mac and cheese portion of the meal is completed simultaneously, unless you need a lab partner, thinly slice the Slim Jims (keeping them separate from the veggies), tomatoes and green onions. Stir “The Macho Man” into the mac and cheese, spouting a hefty, “Oooh, yeah!” Then ask someone in his 30s what that means.
Whisk two eggs, pour ‘em into a medium, buttered pan, cover, and make the thing people call an omelet. You’ll have to flip the slimy bastard, which takes the manual dexterity of a porn addict, so you should be fine.
After nursing the second-degree burns received from flipping the egg, top it with the mac and cheese conflagration, a little cheese from a real cow if you have it, and any toppings you deem edible from the void that is the fridge. Fold, flip, wait a second, and enjoy.
If you have the ingredients, you can add some aging tomatoes, green peppers, and cheese on top and broil for a moment but by now you have probably already eaten half of it and are wondering if you remembered to take the Slim Jims out of their wrapper.
(By the way, if you have actually found a sample of genuine allegory, then email us a picture at roostermagazine.com and we’ll send you a free copy of next month’s free issue of the Rooster Magazine, excluding $9.99 in shipping and handling!)
I scream, you scream, we all scream for … Snow Cream?
- Snow: Assuming you don't live in Juno or make a living tagging penguins for wildlife conservation studies, you will have to either: make this stuff in the winter, hijack a snow machine, or visit a year-round ski resort with a cooler and a shovel. If you have one of those refrigerators from the 1970s you can carefully scrape the ice from the freezer’s sides, but it will leave your snow cream tasting like a year’s worth of left-overs.
- Flavoring: Something like chocolate syrup, vanilla extract, Bailey’s Irish Cream or mouthwash will do, although the former three won't leave you with a minty-clean facial orifice.
- Sugar: First you get the sugar, then you get the powder, then you get the love of your life … with whom to share this.
- Milk: At least a cup to start with, reserving more on the side as this is not nearly an exact science. Don’t have milk? Try heating up a cup of water in the microwave and adding copious, copious amounts of non-dairy coffee creamer. Allow it to cool in the freezer, or add some ice cubes, as if you remembered to refill the ice trays.
Start with the snow. You’ll want to fill a very large bowl or stew pot with a crap ton of the white stuff. And by white stuff it is implied that you should avoid any yellow stuff or brown pebbles unless you have no additional flavoring in the house. Also avoid snow found beneath trees and plowed by tractors on the side of the street. Rocky road snow cream could cost you a trip to the free dental clinic.
In another large bowl, add half of the icy bounty along with milk, stirring until you reach a slurpable consistency. Then add flavoring and yellow food coloring if you want to freak out a friend for choosing plain vanilla snow cream, because vanilla is the missionary position of dessert flavors.
Now add several tablespoons of sugar. By this time the snow has begun to melt too quickly, therefore add more raw snow to the mix until you reach that perfect consistency.
At this point it should be noted that it will take some taste testing, so if you're sporting a fresh new cold sore or recovering from a month-long, viral lung infection, let your buddies taste test their own batches. And when someone bites into something less snowy than it should be, just tell them it was ice crystals and not frozen house-sparrow dung.